From this past summer. Photo by Mr. Handsome, of course.
“Why do you think you’re depressed?”
I was spending some time with my father so my mother could do some things. He’s on a new medication during his post-stroke rehab and he’s just getting used to it so being alone for long stretches can be challenging.
And because he’s my father, an inquisitive and caring and smart man, he took the opportunity to try to talk to me about this depression cycle I’ve been so damn stuck in. He wants to help. As a dad and a physician, he wants to make it better. Of course.
“Why do you think you’re depressed?” It seems like a question I should be able to answer after all these years of suffering these cycles, but I can’t answer it. It’s complex and maybe it’s also as simple as “this is my brain.”
Whatever the reason, here I am.
But that question stayed with me into the evening when I had my choreography group. We sit and talk a bit before getting to work, and I shared this story.
And I heard myself saying this:
“Maybe we need to turn this around. Maybe there’s a more helpful and more productive question… why are we still here?”
If that sounds macabre, it’s not. At all. It’s very life affirming.
Because every day, each of us, whether aware or not, really do choose to be here. We choose to get up and out of bed and move through our days. We choose to be around people we care about and to do things that matter to us.
And for those of us suffering from depression or any other mental health challenge (and let’s get real… that’s a huge majority of us), this decision to stay can get clouded by the effort it takes to cover the basics.
But what if we started each day or ended each day with this potentially magical question:
WHY AM I STILL HERE?
Why, in this state of suffering, do I keep going?
Because the list of beauty and love and truth that that question would elicit from me… it would startle this depressed brain.
It would CHANGE this depressed brain.
It’s a twist on the scientifically backed practice of writing down things we’re grateful for.
It’s a twist in that it asks a direct and important question that those of us who suffer MUST remember:
We are here, because regardless of everything, we keep saying YES.
And isn’t that an amazing, strong, courageous, and magical thing?