In this photo, I think I am happy. I have just finished my Yoga Dance teacher training with the amazing Megha at Kripalu. My life felt like it finally had some meaning and purpose. I was starting to feel more like myself than I had in…forever.
And YET.
I look at this photo now and it makes me sad. I can see that it is me but it does not look like me, if that makes sense. There is something off about the eyes in particular. I think I look older in this photo from 11 years ago than I do now, as I approach 51 in mere weeks.
11 years ago, I was starting on this path that has led me to creating Bodypoetics, but oh, my, the distances I have had to cover before I got here.
The distances I had already covered before heading to Kripalu…
12 years ago, you would not have known me.
My body was much bigger, but that is just the outside, which for me is very much about the insides but that’s another post.
My eyes were empty, from over a decade of serious depression, and from living a lie of a life in every way.
My body was always and forever carrying some sort of pain — back, hips, migrained brain, and on and on with one chronic issue after another.
And oh, my, MY MIND.
I had been convinced that I did not like people, that I hated people.
I had been convinced that I did not ever want to be touched or hugged by anyone. BY ANYONE.
I had been convinced that my fears prevented me from pursuing good work or even leaving the house.
I had been convinced that I had this mental illness, then this one, then this one, then this one…all to keep me obsessed and paralyzed.
I had been convinced that getting professional help was a waste of time and wouldn’t help anyway. That pills were bad. That therapy was dumb.
These beliefs came to me from another human who counted on me staying down.
But there was plenty of inner shit to work with that I had been carrying since I was about 9.
I was already convinced that I was worthless.
I was already convinced that I had nothing of value to offer others.
I was already convinced that life was a burden, as was I to anyone.
12 years ago you would not have known me.
And then, long story short, a dear friend died and I attended the wedding of another and I started to dance and eventually met Megha, and well, the rest is (recent) history.
I do not know what compelled me to dance at that wedding.
I do not know what compelled me to go to Kripalu, and in so doing, face about 100 of my greatest fears.
12 years ago you would not have known me but that’s because I did not even know myself.
Somehow I am still alive.
Somehow I am getting real help and am surrounded by well meaning people who only want the best for me… finally.
Somehow, every day, I get up and believe in my vision of me just enough more than I believe in that old version of me. Just enough to keep me going, to keep me trying and hoping.