MELTDOWN!

I'm quite certain I'm not alone...

Thursday was rough. I had a pretty big panic/anxiety meltdown, and I felt paralyzed by it. I have a great helper, who knows how to talk to me, but I am still the one who has to figure out how to rise up out of that quicksand and Thursday...I felt pretty damn stuck in it.

During such a meltdown, of course, everything gets exaggerated and nothing feels like it could possibly help.

All the tools in your toolbox suddenly seem like GIANT JOKES existing only to prove how awful you are or how little hope there is in the world.

Eventually I dragged myself off the bed.

During times like this, even *I* CANNOT bring myself to dance. It's THE tool, but even I just cannot.

BUT I can do other smaller things. If I can get myself to start with the idea of just 5 minutes of pilates -- something concrete and directed -- that can turn into so much more as the healthy brain chemistry starts to reassert itself.

Thursday, that was exactly what happened. I started with a video of 25 minutes of pilates (with no promise that I would finish).

Why a video? I need someone else guiding me; I can't possibly do this myself when I am feeling that badly.

From there, I moved onto a 10 minute core video.

THEN, only then, after 35 minutes of soaking my brain in some endorphins, was I able to approach some free movement, and even for that, I stayed on the floor.

I stayed on the floor and focused on my breathing and waiting and allowing and noticing.

The very basic principles of what I teach.

And as always, quite suddenly, I was fascinated by the workings of this body.

And as always, quite suddenly, I was out of the asshole brain and completely in the whole of myself.

Because here's the thing: your brain is just ONE ORGAN.

When we rely on it exclusively, we easily become rather dumb.

When we dive into the entirety of ourselves and tap into the wisdom of the full body ecosystem... that is the pathway out.

12 Years Ago You Would Not Have Known Me

In this photo, I think I am happy. I have just finished my Yoga Dance teacher training with the amazing Megha at Kripalu. My life felt like it finally had some meaning and purpose. I was starting to feel more like myself than I had in…forever.

And YET.

I look at this photo now and it makes me sad. I can see that it is me but it does not look like me, if that makes sense. There is something off about the eyes in particular. I think I look older in this photo from 11 years ago than I do now, as I approach 51 in mere weeks.

11 years ago, I was starting on this path that has led me to creating Bodypoetics, but oh, my, the distances I have had to cover before I got here.

The distances I had already covered before heading to Kripalu…

12 years ago, you would not have known me.

My body was much bigger, but that is just the outside, which for me is very much about the insides but that’s another post.

My eyes were empty, from over a decade of serious depression, and from living a lie of a life in every way.

My body was always and forever carrying some sort of pain — back, hips, migrained brain, and on and on with one chronic issue after another.

And oh, my, MY MIND.

I had been convinced that I did not like people, that I hated people.

I had been convinced that I did not ever want to be touched or hugged by anyone. BY ANYONE.

I had been convinced that my fears prevented me from pursuing good work or even leaving the house.

I had been convinced that I had this mental illness, then this one, then this one, then this one…all to keep me obsessed and paralyzed.

I had been convinced that getting professional help was a waste of time and wouldn’t help anyway. That pills were bad. That therapy was dumb.

These beliefs came to me from another human who counted on me staying down.

But there was plenty of inner shit to work with that I had been carrying since I was about 9.

I was already convinced that I was worthless.

I was already convinced that I had nothing of value to offer others.

I was already convinced that life was a burden, as was I to anyone.

12 years ago you would not have known me.

And then, long story short, a dear friend died and I attended the wedding of another and I started to dance and eventually met Megha, and well, the rest is (recent) history.

I do not know what compelled me to dance at that wedding.

I do not know what compelled me to go to Kripalu, and in so doing, face about 100 of my greatest fears.

12 years ago you would not have known me but that’s because I did not even know myself.

Somehow I am still alive.

Somehow I am getting real help and am surrounded by well meaning people who only want the best for me… finally.

Somehow, every day, I get up and believe in my vision of me just enough more than I believe in that old version of me. Just enough to keep me going, to keep me trying and hoping.

Local, Open Grief and Trauma Support Group

I’ll be guiding this group weekly on a drop in basis ($20 or donation; cash) weekly at ABC’s of Building Better Lives Therapy, located at 4320 Dexter Avenue, right off of Pine slightly north of Grandview (by the Dairy Queen).

Grief is not just about losing someone to death, of course, and this group is open to anyone challenged by any sort of grief or trauma.