Begonia Yuki is now three.
You get to a certain point in depression where your willpower switch actually gets flipped. I'm super simplifying but there's a neuro-chemical thing that happens and you literally stop having access to that "push yourself" thing that could be helpful.
This is where meds can be super helpful but alas I am medication resistant so...
I've been in that space of no “push” for quite some time. I do what needs to be done but that's it.
And I have no clue how to turn this around for anyone, including myself, but right now a turning is happening and I'm looking back trying to discern what it was for me (FOR ME).
First steps
I think it somehow goes back to tracking my food and realizing how much I was emotionally eating. Doing that was an interesting enough experiment that I was able to stick with it and I have kept going because it remains interesting. (Experiments are the nutrition of my brain and life... if I'm in that mode, I am at my best and happiest... curious and fascinated is my healthy spot.)
And something about THAT has led to some other small things...
And then suddenly! (Doesn't it always seem like that?) over the weekend, I could really feel the switch moving back to "on."
This morning I laid in bed and watched my asshole brain trying to convince me to stay in bed until the thing I HAD to do... and it was interesting because I could just watch it... as I got up and did the new things I've committed to.
Now sharing this feels scary, right? Depression brain tells me that this is just a blip...
OH! I remember now! A huge part of this was me announcing on Sunday evening that I was going to start really PUSHING HARD through the "I don't want to" ... that I could no longer be gentle with myself, because IN MY CASE, gentle is draining my life from me... slowly...
And there really is something magical in telling others "Hey! Can you check in once in a while? I'm trying to..."
We are communal.
The fight
This post is a bit all over the place but I want to emphasize something here that I didn’t when I first wrote most of this in the Circle of Trees: the fight.
Depression is a liar and a thief.
If a liar and a thief broke into your home, would you just sit there and rest?
Here’s the thing: if someone broke into my house that would mean my cats were in danger and you can bet you’d see proof that I am not a passifist.
So why when it comes to my own self do I allow this lying and thieving of my goodness, creativity, essence?
Of course, depression is complicated, and as I said at the top, we can lose motivation and I have no idea how to get it back.
But once you feel even just a bit of that motivation… even just a shadow of it, it’s time to start fighting. And you must fight hard.
You have to dig in. And you have to focus on the things around you — cats, people you love, work that matters — and promise those things that you will continue to fight.
That’s where I am… I’ve got my boxing gloves on and I’m trying to beat the crap out of that intruder.