Another important lesson from the court

I’ve written about a huge insight I had about the importance of positive self talk while I was on the tennis court, but believe it or not, I think this thing I realized just the other day while playing is even more significant.

Craig and I were playing for only about ten minutes and I felt completely and utterly frustrated and defeated. To the point of almost crying. I told him I did not understand how I could play so well for days and days of practice and then suddenly look like I had barely ever picked up a racket (probably an exaggeration but not by as much as I would like).

He knew not to say a lot — or really anything. Platitudes can make me just melt down, and anything resembling even decent advice when I’m in that mindset, well, it just makes things worse. He knows I have to work it out myself.

I tried the positive self talk but it wasn’t helping as much this time. A little but it wasn’t turning my game around.

Then I remembered seeing something about watching only the ball.

You might think, Christine! Weren’t you watching the ball!?!?!?

And duh. Yes, of course I was, but “watch only the ball” is actually different.

I keep my eye on the ball. I’ve been taught that since I was little. Basic. But I realized I am also at the same time, watching the other player, watching my own self in my mind, watching the court. That’s a lot of watching. That’s too many focal points.

So I WATCHED ONLY THE BALL.

Suddenly it was like there was nothing else there to see. Everything else just kinda blurred.

From the moment the ball hit Craig’s racket, that was it.

Only. The. Ball.

INSTANTLY my game changed. It felt almost mystical. Zen like.

And it is, right?

This is the practice. Because after a couple of super focused ONLY the ball rallies, I could tell my focus would try — out of habit — to include all those other things. I would have to force myself to go back to ONLY the ball.

Each time I lost that, I started making mistakes. Each time I got back to that level of extreme focus, I was hitting wonderfully.

And of course, tennis — like dance — like anything that we dive deeply into and explore ourselves through — is a metaphor for the rest of our lives.

Watch ONLY the ball.

Where do you need that in your life?

"Giving up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul"

That quote has stuck with me from this video. Though almost every single sentence he drops is like a sparkling gem. This video is worth your time… more than once, I’m betting.

Little bits of somatic magic to help with rage, anxiety, and fear

I’ve not been writing as much. I got a stupid virus, but that was really just a small part of it all. The world right now makes me so sad and angry that I lose words. And I know I’m not alone.

(A quick aside: if you are having issues with dissociation and/or you are really in need of community right now, we’re starting a new four week session next week (the week of June 23rd). If you’ve not been in a class in a while, maybe now is the time to do one? Registration for both Peony Somatic Dance and Quickie)

Back to the current situation… I wrote this in the Circle of Trees but thought it was worth sharing elsewhere:

I was an RA at Penn State when Bush Sr. started a significant chunk of what we're still basically mired in in the middle east (which goes back further, of course, but I just mean the current clusterfuck).

We had to call all the students together so a counselor could speak to them. Some of them had siblings, parents, boy/girlfriends who were being sent over. It was intense. There was a lot of crying.

I remember the feelings of that time. The constant pit in my stomach. The constant anger. The frustration that we could be dragged through things with no agency of our own.

And then the utter surreality of walking around that big beautiful (safe) campus and going to classes and talking about literature from another time.

And so here we are.

Again.

Waiting. With no real agency. We can protest and call our senators but there's a madman in the White House and what he does in the next 24 to 48 hours... for right now, he has power over all of us...

I just watched a video of him saying he wouldn't call Walz because why would I (he said), Walz, you know, appointed that guy to a ... why would I call, what would I say? (And some disparaging things about Walz himself, of course, but NOTHING BAD ABOUT THE GUNMAN.)

HE IS NOT HUMAN. And he only sees some of us as human. (As in only the sycophants around him.)

Today I'm freaking out. I have work to do and I feel like I'm walking and typing through molasses. And I keep thinking about people who voted for this and thinking all of this is what?!?! GOOD????

If you're freaking out today or if you're anxiously checking in with things... I am too.

Hold a cat. Drink some coffee/tea. Eat a piece of chocolate. Check on your flowers. Listen to something beautiful.

Or do one or more of the somatic methods in that image I shared.

And don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything.

A formula for your experiment of one

A little preface to my main point

It seems right to share a photo from the time I wrote the words below

Since 2016 (and we all know what I’m referring to) it has felt like time makes no sense, the world gets darker and darker, and overall, our mental health has just been on a trajectory that, well, we’d prefer were different. Maybe I’m not speaking for you, but most people in my circles feel like they are somehow less than a version of themselves that existed pre-2016.

I am less in my fit dancer body, that’s for sure. I’m less joyful and less giggley. And my god, I really do believe this timeline has aged us faster than we would have otherwise.

And on top of all of that, I actually feel less smart. Maybe it’s all the stupidity and ignorance and cruelty that has permeated our culture and it’s bound to somehow affect each and every one of us whether we are those things or not.

But when I look back at my pre-2016 memories, I sure do seem smarter. I seem more joyful even when I was going through something difficult… I could see that there was some sort of meaning to be extracted, some sort of growth I could get from it.

So when I share this, it might even make part of you mad, but I would suggest that’s the part of you (and me) that has been so deeply traumatized over the last … oh my god ALMOST DECADE living with these monsters among us.

I wrote this formula from so many years of my own experimentation, and the beauty of it is that it’s a framework but you fill in the deets.

A formula for your experiment of one

There is no one path to health after chronic developmental trauma, from which so many unconsciously suffer. But there ARE some very basic building blocks that we KNOW help and that constitute a pretty damn good formula as far as formulas go.

First, movement. Period. You have to move every day. This is essential for basic human vitality but for someone attempting to recover their brain it becomes fundamental. We have excellent science behind what movement does for the brain, and there is, literally, nothing like it. It's imperative that you find movement that you ENJOY. Anything less will not last and will not have the results. And? Healthy movement leads to HEALTHY rest, which most people do not get. They get too much rest and it's of the not-restful variety so then they think they need more. Nope. MOVE.

Second, nutrition. Because movement every day must be supported by your nutrition. But your brain also responds to what you put in your body (duh, right? but not so much in the mainstream medical community). Play with your diet. Go in with no assumptions. See what makes you feel ALIVE and full of energy. Don't let anyone tell you to eat in any way that does not support those outcomes. Don't let anyone guilt you into any other way of eating that does not match your needs.

Third, aside from nutrition, WATER. Most people I know are dehydrated and there are some physicians who are starting to (oh, the radical!) notice that dementia is not about aging but about dehydration plus...guess what? Decreased movement.

Fourth, and this is something a lot of people don't think about: Spirituality, which is another word for Deep Connection. Find a connection to something bigger than you, bigger than the trauma, because trauma creates disconnect and makes us feel like we are special in a bad way. We're not.

Yep. That's a formula. If you did all those things EVERY DAY with intention, I guarantee (yes, I said that) that your brain and then your life would change.

Back to the present

All these years later, this really does hold. And please pay attention to my wording. I was super careful back then about how I said these things and it matters to this day.

How small things can bring big results

An extra beautiful bouquet that Cat Daddy brought home a couple of weeks ago.

My new morning routine is to NOT lie in bed and drown in news, but instead, I listen to a Chani meditation or teaching (I have the paid app and it's super worth it, FYI), and then I get up, put on my damn leggings, and do a Japanese slow jog on my treadmill while I watch a podcast. (A little something about that technique.)

Here's the thing: I only do this for 10 minutes. It's all I can convince myself to do at this point. (And I do the jog thing because I have learned from SO LONG of trying that my body does not want to be creative first thing... it takes me a while to really wake up. I’ve tried waking and dancing first thing and it only leads to frustration.)

Here's the other thing: IT IS DOING THINGS TO MY BRAIN.

I've always preached that it can be as simple as one song. But the part that's left out with that is the sweat.

You have to sweat. One song can be enough to alter your brain chemistry a bit but you have to dance vigorously and get a bit of a sweat on. (And the more minutes, the better over time... that's just reality.)

OR you can dance to one song and SING LOUDLY and that will affect your brain without you needing to really sweat. That's why car singing on the way to work can make such a difference for people.

Why? THE BREATH. It's pretty much all about the breath and getting those lungs pumping -- sweating and/or singing will both do that.

And doing this first thing in the morning is, of course, setting me up for a bit of a better day.

It's not enough to totally deal with the intensity of my depression but it gives me the bit of chemistry to make better decisions later in the day. If I start my day with movement, I’m more likely to move more throughout the day. And then over time, cumulatively, my brain will get better and better.

But for now, ten minutes can have a domino effect. You can surely find ten minutes. We do all kinds of mind numbing things for ten minutes… watch TV, just sit and rot, scroll on our phones.

It’s hard, though, to make different choices. And it’s a bit of pain in the ass that making better choices leads to making more better choices. ((sigh))

As I’ve said before, there’s no magicks but in

The mystery of willpower and the battle of depression

Begonia Yuki is now three.

You get to a certain point in depression where your willpower switch actually gets flipped. I'm super simplifying but there's a neuro-chemical thing that happens and you literally stop having access to that "push yourself" thing that could be helpful.

This is where meds can be super helpful but alas I am medication resistant so...

I've been in that space of no “push” for quite some time. I do what needs to be done but that's it.

And I have no clue how to turn this around for anyone, including myself, but right now a turning is happening and I'm looking back trying to discern what it was for me (FOR ME).

First steps

I think it somehow goes back to tracking my food and realizing how much I was emotionally eating. Doing that was an interesting enough experiment that I was able to stick with it and I have kept going because it remains interesting. (Experiments are the nutrition of my brain and life... if I'm in that mode, I am at my best and happiest... curious and fascinated is my healthy spot.)

And something about THAT has led to some other small things...

And then suddenly! (Doesn't it always seem like that?) over the weekend, I could really feel the switch moving back to "on."

This morning I laid in bed and watched my asshole brain trying to convince me to stay in bed until the thing I HAD to do... and it was interesting because I could just watch it... as I got up and did the new things I've committed to.

Now sharing this feels scary, right? Depression brain tells me that this is just a blip...

OH! I remember now! A huge part of this was me announcing on Sunday evening that I was going to start really PUSHING HARD through the "I don't want to" ... that I could no longer be gentle with myself, because IN MY CASE, gentle is draining my life from me... slowly...

And there really is something magical in telling others "Hey! Can you check in once in a while? I'm trying to..."

We are communal.

The fight

This post is a bit all over the place but I want to emphasize something here that I didn’t when I first wrote most of this in the Circle of Trees: the fight.

Depression is a liar and a thief.

If a liar and a thief broke into your home, would you just sit there and rest?

Here’s the thing: if someone broke into my house that would mean my cats were in danger and you can bet you’d see proof that I am not a passifist.

So why when it comes to my own self do I allow this lying and thieving of my goodness, creativity, essence?

Of course, depression is complicated, and as I said at the top, we can lose motivation and I have no idea how to get it back.

But once you feel even just a bit of that motivation… even just a shadow of it, it’s time to start fighting. And you must fight hard.

You have to dig in. And you have to focus on the things around you — cats, people you love, work that matters — and promise those things that you will continue to fight.

That’s where I am… I’ve got my boxing gloves on and I’m trying to beat the crap out of that intruder.

My depression makes sense and yours probably does too

“It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”

— Krishnamurti (or not...)

That quote goes around all the time because it speaks to so many of us, but according to the Krishnamurit Foundation Trust, there’s no actual evidence that he ever said it. He did say things that boil down to this, though, including:

Is society healthy, that an individual should return to it? Has not society itself helped to make the individual unhealthy? Of course, the unhealthy must be made healthy, that goes without saying; but why should the individual adjust himself to an unhealthy society? If he is healthy, he will not be a part of it. Without first questioning the health of society, what is the good of helping misfits to conform to society?

And Henry Miller, who said he was very inspired by Krishnamurti, put it this way:

There is no salvation in becoming adapted to a world which is crazy.

Now that all of that nerd stuff is out of the way… ((ha))

The title of this piece came to me early Wednesday morning this week, as I awoke to another day feeling deep despair about the world and my place in it.

You know… those days when even the blue sky and sun and warm temperatures do not beckon. Those days when your body feels as though it’s made of lead and even the cat can tell so she settles on you for a long nap, purring and doing her best to help.

I have been limiting my news a bit. But it feels irresponsible to completely limit it. There are people suffering and there will be more.

The cruelty of this administration is breath-taking. The people who support it even more so.

It’s one thing for sociopaths to sociopath but to watch others cheer them on…

And so I wake up under the weight of that and then the rumination starts: how is there any space for the work I bring to this world in this particular world? How is it that every single thing that means anything to me and that I am good at — writing, poetry, singing, dancing, teaching somatic dance, creating art — how is it that in this world they are building, there really is so very little space for me?

And when I ask that question I am asking as a person who has paid her bills with those things that she loves for a very long time now. I am not a hobbyist. This is my Work, in that spiritual, capital W way and in the way of making money to help with the life Craig and I are building.

To feel this sense that my work will slowly slip away (as it has already started to do to some degree)… the despair over this is profound.

So my own loss plus the vile news that comes day after day after day, wave after wave, with no end in sight, and yes, I am depressed.

And see how it makes sense?

I’ve written about this before: if you already have a propensity toward depression from early life trauma, well, you’re pretty sure to be sinking into depression now as we are triggered by a cruel and punishing administration. Punishing in that anything not to their specific liking is designated as “bad.” (Familiar?)

I know that in order to fight back against all of this, we must maintain our hopeful energy and we must be able to fuel ourselves through love and beauty and joy.

But, my god… right now that feels like a lot to ask. So I have no answers and will continue to ask the questions.

What is my part in this? How can I maintain the work that’s important to me and others? What role can I play in the larger pictures? How can I fuel my own self in a way that allows me to continue?

I do not want to give the authoritarian/schnazis the “sad bodies” that French philosopher Deleuze speaks of but I also do not know how not to.

When early chronic dieting has broken your eating intuition

Intuitive eating is great if you can actually feel when you’re hungry and feel when you’ve had enough. But those mechanisms aren’t always that clear cut or working for a wide variety of reasons, not the least of which is that we’re all different. Our brains are all different. Our reactions to food are all different.

And our eating backgrounds are all different.

If you were a girl growing up in the 1980s, you were likely constantly being put on diets. And that very much damages your relationship to food and your body.

Even when I was a size zero I was not small enough.

Only when I started to dance again in my 40s did my relationship to food and body finally become neutral, which I think is actually the healthiest relationship you can have to those things.

But over the last few years, as depression has eaten away at my healthy mindsets, it has also brought up old patterns around food and body.

And because I can’t simply intuit about food, I end up eating things that do not feel good in my body and I end up eating too much — to the point of discomfort.

Something had to change. Body and mind are one and I know from experience that to get my body back to more comfortable and more active is to then heal my mind.

So I’ve started to track my food again because of that lack of intuition.

And whoa… it’s freaking surprising.

First, I don’t ever think of myself as an emotional eater. As a matter of fact, if I’m super stressed I don’t eat.

But… I am a bored eater. I am a depressed eater.

I am constantly thinking about what food I could be putting into my mouth.

Second, the amount of food that I thought was necessary to make me feel full was way off. I knew this, as I said, because I was uncomfortable, but the amount I needed to feel full and comfortable was a lot different than I anticipated.

(I’m using this macro counter and a food scale. TO BE CLEAR: NOT to deprive myself but to recalibrate my understanding of food.)

So this is part of my journey right now. And if you need to talk about it, you can always email me or ask to be added to my group on Facebook.

And if you need to move more, I start a new 4 week session of Stim Yoga and Peony Somatic Dance online classes next week.