Faster, Bigger, Better

When I was in graduate school completing my MA in English (and half of another in History before depression settled in and ruined all the things), I worked at the university I was attending and one of my professors would walk past my desk and say, “FASTER! BIGGER! BETTER!” He thought he was funny.

I was thinking about this today as I was thinking about this blog.

And I was thinking about writing this blog when I realized something pretty big on the tennis court the other day.

Or I should say that I observed it on the tennis court and really felt it. It’s something I’ve realized before but you know… it was in my brain and not in my body.

The tennis court as school

I’ve said this before and of course I believe it most deeply about dance but the movement thing that you love enough to really commit to? It’s the thing that will teach you everything you need to know about life. For today’s example…

There are often these moments when Craig and I are playing and he is getting a stray ball and making his way back to the baseline to start up play again and I end up yelling, “Hey! Let’s pick up the pace!”

When I pick up dead balls, I do it with a bounce in my step. I HURRY. Because someone is waiting.

And it hit me suddenly a few days ago: rushing is one of my most deeply embedded trauma responses. I am always making sure to do what’s been asked of me as fast as possible so there is no anger.

But there are layers

Of course, there are.

I rush so I don’t anger anyone, but I also rush so I don’t inconvenience anyone. I rush so I am not a bother. I rush so my presence is not clocked as anything but helpful.

Trauma born for sure.

But also? Patriarchy born.

Craig doesn’t rush. Like EVER. For anything.

Because he’s been taught that his time is his. That whatever he’s doing is to be done for himself at his own pace. (We talked about this and though some of these things can be hard, he does get it when it’s pointed out.)

As a white, cishet male, the world is meant to rush for him. He’s meant to take his time. However he likes it.

The middle ground

I would like to rush less, and I would like him to rush more. I don’t want him to feel the fucking anxiety that I live with thinking I have to do every damn thing as fast as possible — from my work to the dishes in the sink to whatever.

I would like to rush less. And I would like men who are slow-privileged to pick up their pace sometimes. To maybe actually think about the person waiting for/on them.

And yeah, maybe, I would like men to feel some of that anxiety that I think a lot of us feel who don’t have that privilege. Just to grow their empathy, ya know?

Something has been broken in our goodness

We could blame it on COVID, but I think it goes back before that to a certain person coming down a golden escalator. Cruelty suddenly became the norm in public discourse in a way we’d never experienced before. Our highest political leader who is supposed to, at the very least, exhibit high levels of decorum was suddenly behaving like the schoolyard bully. There seem(ed) to be no more rules and people who had been hiding their meanness, all of their ignorant bigotries, were given permission to show it all very loudly and proudly.

When people so clearly show you who they are, believe them, right?

Blaming this on the golden escalator moment can seem inaccurate. This country has had a veneer of nice over mean and violent for, well, its entire history.

But this felt and feels different. It was/has been a definite sort of flashpoint.

We often talk about “those people” and don’t recognize what living in this shit stew has done to the rest of us, because it has done something and I’m noticing it more and more during this god awful second administration from hell.

People who consider themselves openminded and compassionate are losing their capacity to hold difficult things for others. (And I am seeing this absolutely everywhere.)

Yes, we’re overwhelmed. We all are. But to lose this particular muscle — to atrophy these capacities — is a sign of some sort of larger death that we cannot afford.

A lot of people are making their circles smaller when they should be making them bigger.

A lot of people are laying down to rest when we should be working on becoming warriors of distance and depth. We need our best selves right now, not some diminished and exhausted version.

I am exhausted; most of us are exhausted. But like a distance athlete, we must push through and find the next level of energy. We must take better care of ourselves so we can build the muscles necessary to meet these moments, because these moments are likely going to get harder, not easier in the near future.

I have no answers but I want to start the discussion. I want us to notice.

Another important lesson from the court

I’ve written about a huge insight I had about the importance of positive self talk while I was on the tennis court, but believe it or not, I think this thing I realized just the other day while playing is even more significant.

Craig and I were playing for only about ten minutes and I felt completely and utterly frustrated and defeated. To the point of almost crying. I told him I did not understand how I could play so well for days and days of practice and then suddenly look like I had barely ever picked up a racket (probably an exaggeration but not by as much as I would like).

He knew not to say a lot — or really anything. Platitudes can make me just melt down, and anything resembling even decent advice when I’m in that mindset, well, it just makes things worse. He knows I have to work it out myself.

I tried the positive self talk but it wasn’t helping as much this time. A little but it wasn’t turning my game around.

Then I remembered seeing something about watching only the ball.

You might think, Christine! Weren’t you watching the ball!?!?!?

And duh. Yes, of course I was, but “watch only the ball” is actually different.

I keep my eye on the ball. I’ve been taught that since I was little. Basic. But I realized I am also at the same time, watching the other player, watching my own self in my mind, watching the court. That’s a lot of watching. That’s too many focal points.

So I WATCHED ONLY THE BALL.

Suddenly it was like there was nothing else there to see. Everything else just kinda blurred.

From the moment the ball hit Craig’s racket, that was it.

Only. The. Ball.

INSTANTLY my game changed. It felt almost mystical. Zen like.

And it is, right?

This is the practice. Because after a couple of super focused ONLY the ball rallies, I could tell my focus would try — out of habit — to include all those other things. I would have to force myself to go back to ONLY the ball.

Each time I lost that, I started making mistakes. Each time I got back to that level of extreme focus, I was hitting wonderfully.

And of course, tennis — like dance — like anything that we dive deeply into and explore ourselves through — is a metaphor for the rest of our lives.

Watch ONLY the ball.

Where do you need that in your life?

A little catch up

Things are slowing down around here a bit. It’s been a bunch of months with one thing after another — lots of good things besides the awful of the world.

And right now, I feel like I have a little bit of breathing space and I’m looking forward to noticing what’s been on my mind. (When we’re busy with projects, so much goes unspoken and unwritten, at least for me.)

A few things going on with me:

• I’ve rediscovered my love of reading fiction and poetry and I’ve been making more time for this even in the middle of the day. I have been making a point to sit outside and take in some beautiful words. One day a younger person walking by turned back and said, “THAT is such a VIBE! Enjoy your day!” and it made me giggle.

• I’m fully in “obsessed with tennis” mode and I know you are likely thinking “WHAT?!? Weren’t you already?” Sure… sure… but I’m at a whole new level. I even said to Craig the other day that I really want to get good enough to feel like I could compete and have a chance of winning in some sort of older tennis player sort of matches. (I think the USTA does stuff like that.) That just feels like a really healthy dream.

• And toward that dream, I’ve gotten back into the gym to lift weights (good for you regardless of sports) and I can already tell the difference on the court only three weeks in — especially in terms of my cardio fitness.

• One of our older cats, Daisy, is really slowing down, but I’m noticing how much calmer than ever I am feeling about just being there for her and not freaking the fuck out with big time stress.

Questions for you:

• Have you read anything really freaking fantastic lately? I’d love to hear about it. Especially fiction, please.

• What are you doing for your physical body?

• And do you have any new dreams (small or big) that you’re putting energy into?

Mind games: a little story about self talk

You know my good weather months’ obsession is tennis.

Thank God Craig convinced me to start playing again just a few summers ago. I’d finally healed from two frozen shoulders (thanks, menopause), and I realized that it was ridiculous not to be playing out of some fear of getting hurt. When you can’t move your arms fully for almost two years, your perspective alters a bit ((cough)).

As I’ve said before, when I’m on the court, there is nothing else. There’s me and my racket and the ball and the court… there are lines and weather and sometimes other people but that’s it. My mind is only right there. I’m not thinking about anything but what’s right in front of me.

It is a relief, to say the least, in this world to have something like this… a refuge of sweat and heat and trying. But there is nothing truly important. Nothing scary.

That’s not to say it’s all sunshine and happiness.

Not even close. I’m intense on the court (and I’m thinking you’re thinking… where are you not?).

Let’s say it this way: I am at my MOST intense on a tennis court.

A little story…

The last few times we’ve played together, Craig and I have both been consistently getting much better. There are long rallies where every hit comes with the musical (to my ears) sound of the ball hitting the sweet spot.

I’ve been hitting harder and more consistent than ever and I had finally gotten my down-the-line backhand back.

I was working more and more at the net. (Which I love… because aggressive.)

To be clear, with every miss, I am constantly analyzing what I did wrong. I am always coaching myself and I am very often coaching Craig.

I’m a teacher, right?

Finally… to this last time we were playing

After all those days of improvement, I was playing horribly.

And my self talk matched that. I was analyzing and criticizing to the max.

For the first time, I think ever in my life, I almost threw my racket.

This was beyond my fun mad into real mad.

I sat for a moment to get my heart rate down and watched Craig practice some serves and I realized…

When I am teaching others, I am all about positive reinforcement. If you’ve been in class with me, you know how much I’m yelling things like “BEAUTIFUL, EVERYONE!”

And I will take a moment after a song to highlight someone doing something brand new or astonishing.

Change my words to change my mind to change my body

But when it comes to how I teach/deal with myself, things are always different.

I never tell myself I’m doing well — only that I could do better. (Thanks to early learning…)

So I got up from resting and immediately changed my self talk.

Over and over, I said to myself in a whisper, “You are REALLY GOOD AT THIS!” I said it like I would say it to a student or a friend or my younger self.

Then I added, “You are really good at this. You are so strong. And you have so much fucking stamina!”

Over and over and over and over…

And IMMEDIATELY, as in the FIRST shot, I started playing better… more like myself.

For our last bit of play, I never stopped talking to myself like that, and now I never will because the results were immediate and undeniable.

Now to take that off the court…

Practice as safe space

I used to tell people (when I was first embarking on this somatic dance journey and felt like I had just conquered two Mount Everests in a row by dancing my way to the least amount of depression in my life that I had ever known)… I used to tell people that their own bodies in the now were their safe space. Because right this minute, nothing is happening.

I still believe we can get to that point and that it also fluctuates depending on psychological triggers, freaking life life-ing, and things like overall health and the weather and so many other variables.

But… and this is a big but… your body as safe space just doesn’t work for a lot of people and it never will.

What do I mean by safe space?

Safe spaces are places and people in which and with whom we can be totally ourselves and be held with care. This can mean that we are tolerated through annoying times ((ha)), witnessed during big changes, and encouraged in growth. It can also mean we are called out on our own bullshit but we know that calling out is coming at us with love and compassion.

Safe spaces and people are not all sunshine and rainbows. Spaces that are too sweet are actually not safe, because the number one component of safe space (and people) is honesty.

If our bodies cannot be these safe spaces, where does that leave us?

What are the other options?

Movement As safe space

This is another tricksy one.

As I have said for a very long time: as long as there is breath, there is dance.

And I believe that. To my core. I have watched people with very little mobility left find so much beautiful dance.

But to say that movement itself is a safe space is unrealistic in light of what many will encounter via disease and aging.

Movement as safe space can feel like an insult in those contexts.

Of course, we too narrowly define movement and that is a large part of the issue, but that narrow definition is how most people understand it. To lose our favorite way of moving can be devastating and transitioning to a new way of understanding movement can take many years if it happens at all.

So no, movement itself is not the safe space we’re looking for.

Community as safe space

Ugh. Sadly this one can be too… fragile, too changeable, too… unrealiable.

Communities are made of humans and humans are unpredictable and we need something somewhat predictable when it comes to creating safe space.

That’s not to say that some communities are not our safe spaces. I myself have a few communities that I would put in this category, but even then, I have experienced moments when it didn’t feel that way. (Luckily they were safe enough to even contain those moments and move beyond them.)

And the grief that comes with dissolution of or betrayal within community is intense. Not safe (or at least not always).

Practice as safe space

After all of these years of observing all of these phenomenon, I have finally come to practice as safe space.

Practice as safe space contains all the other possibilities — bodies, movement, communities, other individuals.

Practice is malleable over our lifetimes but it also (when approached in the way I mean) is a constant companion, even as it and we change.

Practice is devotion to your own awareness and a commitment to living a life of noticing and learning and growing.

Your practices may change but you doing them does not. You coming to them in times of joy and grief does not. And though it may be profoundly challenging to maintain, your practices truly are your safe space — where you can fully meet yourself, challenge yourself, and learn an ever deepening love of yourself and therefore of others.

We are safe in our practices so that we can go out and meet a world that is often unsafe. We then go back to our practices for repair and rejuvenation to be effective in our lives. And that cycle goes on and on…

"Giving up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul"

That quote has stuck with me from this video. Though almost every single sentence he drops is like a sparkling gem. This video is worth your time… more than once, I’m betting.

The world has me feeling quiet

From a class I just taught at the Columbus Museum of Art. The joy in this felt right in a post about Andrea.

Words come less easily lately. I am stunned into silence by this world we’re living in. My heart aches but that is often covered over by so much red hot anger that I forget how much it is actually my softness that is suffering.

I will try to get back to writing more regularly because I have lists and lists of things I want to put words to. And I know if I write about what really matters to me that over time more words will come…

For now, I am, like so many on this planet, grieving the loss of poet Andrea Gibson. They were a gift to us.

And this … the last line especially… feels like something everyone should read:

“My love, I was so wrong. Dying is the opposite of leaving. When I left my body, I did not go away. That portal of light was not a portal to elsewhere, but a portal to here. I am more here than I ever was before. I am more with you than I ever could have imagined. So close you look past me when wondering where I am. It’s Ok. I know that to be human is to be farsighted. But feel me now, walking the chambers of your heart, pressing my palms to the soft walls of your living.”

— Andrea Gibson