A formula for your experiment of one

A little preface to my main point

It seems right to share a photo from the time I wrote the words below

Since 2016 (and we all know what I’m referring to) it has felt like time makes no sense, the world gets darker and darker, and overall, our mental health has just been on a trajectory that, well, we’d prefer were different. Maybe I’m not speaking for you, but most people in my circles feel like they are somehow less than a version of themselves that existed pre-2016.

I am less in my fit dancer body, that’s for sure. I’m less joyful and less giggley. And my god, I really do believe this timeline has aged us faster than we would have otherwise.

And on top of all of that, I actually feel less smart. Maybe it’s all the stupidity and ignorance and cruelty that has permeated our culture and it’s bound to somehow affect each and every one of us whether we are those things or not.

But when I look back at my pre-2016 memories, I sure do seem smarter. I seem more joyful even when I was going through something difficult… I could see that there was some sort of meaning to be extracted, some sort of growth I could get from it.

So when I share this, it might even make part of you mad, but I would suggest that’s the part of you (and me) that has been so deeply traumatized over the last … oh my god ALMOST DECADE living with these monsters among us.

I wrote this formula from so many years of my own experimentation, and the beauty of it is that it’s a framework but you fill in the deets.

A formula for your experiment of one

There is no one path to health after chronic developmental trauma, from which so many unconsciously suffer. But there ARE some very basic building blocks that we KNOW help and that constitute a pretty damn good formula as far as formulas go.

First, movement. Period. You have to move every day. This is essential for basic human vitality but for someone attempting to recover their brain it becomes fundamental. We have excellent science behind what movement does for the brain, and there is, literally, nothing like it. It's imperative that you find movement that you ENJOY. Anything less will not last and will not have the results. And? Healthy movement leads to HEALTHY rest, which most people do not get. They get too much rest and it's of the not-restful variety so then they think they need more. Nope. MOVE.

Second, nutrition. Because movement every day must be supported by your nutrition. But your brain also responds to what you put in your body (duh, right? but not so much in the mainstream medical community). Play with your diet. Go in with no assumptions. See what makes you feel ALIVE and full of energy. Don't let anyone tell you to eat in any way that does not support those outcomes. Don't let anyone guilt you into any other way of eating that does not match your needs.

Third, aside from nutrition, WATER. Most people I know are dehydrated and there are some physicians who are starting to (oh, the radical!) notice that dementia is not about aging but about dehydration plus...guess what? Decreased movement.

Fourth, and this is something a lot of people don't think about: Spirituality, which is another word for Deep Connection. Find a connection to something bigger than you, bigger than the trauma, because trauma creates disconnect and makes us feel like we are special in a bad way. We're not.

Yep. That's a formula. If you did all those things EVERY DAY with intention, I guarantee (yes, I said that) that your brain and then your life would change.

Back to the present

All these years later, this really does hold. And please pay attention to my wording. I was super careful back then about how I said these things and it matters to this day.

How small things can bring big results

An extra beautiful bouquet that Cat Daddy brought home a couple of weeks ago.

My new morning routine is to NOT lie in bed and drown in news, but instead, I listen to a Chani meditation or teaching (I have the paid app and it's super worth it, FYI), and then I get up, put on my damn leggings, and do a Japanese slow jog on my treadmill while I watch a podcast. (A little something about that technique.)

Here's the thing: I only do this for 10 minutes. It's all I can convince myself to do at this point. (And I do the jog thing because I have learned from SO LONG of trying that my body does not want to be creative first thing... it takes me a while to really wake up. I’ve tried waking and dancing first thing and it only leads to frustration.)

Here's the other thing: IT IS DOING THINGS TO MY BRAIN.

I've always preached that it can be as simple as one song. But the part that's left out with that is the sweat.

You have to sweat. One song can be enough to alter your brain chemistry a bit but you have to dance vigorously and get a bit of a sweat on. (And the more minutes, the better over time... that's just reality.)

OR you can dance to one song and SING LOUDLY and that will affect your brain without you needing to really sweat. That's why car singing on the way to work can make such a difference for people.

Why? THE BREATH. It's pretty much all about the breath and getting those lungs pumping -- sweating and/or singing will both do that.

And doing this first thing in the morning is, of course, setting me up for a bit of a better day.

It's not enough to totally deal with the intensity of my depression but it gives me the bit of chemistry to make better decisions later in the day. If I start my day with movement, I’m more likely to move more throughout the day. And then over time, cumulatively, my brain will get better and better.

But for now, ten minutes can have a domino effect. You can surely find ten minutes. We do all kinds of mind numbing things for ten minutes… watch TV, just sit and rot, scroll on our phones.

It’s hard, though, to make different choices. And it’s a bit of pain in the ass that making better choices leads to making more better choices. ((sigh))

As I’ve said before, there’s no magicks but in

The mystery of willpower and the battle of depression

Begonia Yuki is now three.

You get to a certain point in depression where your willpower switch actually gets flipped. I'm super simplifying but there's a neuro-chemical thing that happens and you literally stop having access to that "push yourself" thing that could be helpful.

This is where meds can be super helpful but alas I am medication resistant so...

I've been in that space of no “push” for quite some time. I do what needs to be done but that's it.

And I have no clue how to turn this around for anyone, including myself, but right now a turning is happening and I'm looking back trying to discern what it was for me (FOR ME).

First steps

I think it somehow goes back to tracking my food and realizing how much I was emotionally eating. Doing that was an interesting enough experiment that I was able to stick with it and I have kept going because it remains interesting. (Experiments are the nutrition of my brain and life... if I'm in that mode, I am at my best and happiest... curious and fascinated is my healthy spot.)

And something about THAT has led to some other small things...

And then suddenly! (Doesn't it always seem like that?) over the weekend, I could really feel the switch moving back to "on."

This morning I laid in bed and watched my asshole brain trying to convince me to stay in bed until the thing I HAD to do... and it was interesting because I could just watch it... as I got up and did the new things I've committed to.

Now sharing this feels scary, right? Depression brain tells me that this is just a blip...

OH! I remember now! A huge part of this was me announcing on Sunday evening that I was going to start really PUSHING HARD through the "I don't want to" ... that I could no longer be gentle with myself, because IN MY CASE, gentle is draining my life from me... slowly...

And there really is something magical in telling others "Hey! Can you check in once in a while? I'm trying to..."

We are communal.

The fight

This post is a bit all over the place but I want to emphasize something here that I didn’t when I first wrote most of this in the Circle of Trees: the fight.

Depression is a liar and a thief.

If a liar and a thief broke into your home, would you just sit there and rest?

Here’s the thing: if someone broke into my house that would mean my cats were in danger and you can bet you’d see proof that I am not a passifist.

So why when it comes to my own self do I allow this lying and thieving of my goodness, creativity, essence?

Of course, depression is complicated, and as I said at the top, we can lose motivation and I have no idea how to get it back.

But once you feel even just a bit of that motivation… even just a shadow of it, it’s time to start fighting. And you must fight hard.

You have to dig in. And you have to focus on the things around you — cats, people you love, work that matters — and promise those things that you will continue to fight.

That’s where I am… I’ve got my boxing gloves on and I’m trying to beat the crap out of that intruder.