What Dance Looks Like When Things are Difficult: Or Authentic Dance is Not What You Think It Is

In the JoyBody Sanctuary, a member wrote this:

"...so Christine, will you talk about how to dance through hard things? When the pandemic hit my whole body went into freeze and I can do other things but not dance."

At first, I answered with some suggestions about music and tapping into parts of ourselves that at one point were already able to dance and took joy in it. That's important, but it's really only the first layer of this work, and I think going deeper into why and how I teach is demonstrative of what separates The Peony Method that I've developed from most things out there.

In the Peony Method, we're not using dance to FEEL JOY. There's no "fake it til you make it." (There are some prompts that I use that we play with that idea but we take it much further and I don't want to focus on that right now.)

In the Peony Method, we're using dance in its most fundamental and spiritual way -- and the way it anthropologically evolved.

We're not dancing to feel joyful.

We're using dance/movement art as a TOOL to first, FEEL EVERYTHING.

Second, to TRANSMUTE everything.

And third, over time, to get back in touch with our essential joybody.

BUT THIS TAKES TIME and it's a process/practice that is meant to last for your life. The material is that deep. It's also material that is constantly spiraling in and out of itself as you go through layer after layer of the calcified crap that life has plastered over your soft heart.

This is one of those cases that really demonstrates how we've degraded dance over time AND how we have dismissed the body as our main tool to enlightenment/evolution.

We put all other arts above dance not only artistically (don't get me started on the association of prostitution with dance to this day) but also therapeutically.

Expressive arts, for example, almost always focus on writing and visual arts as their main tools.

That's all just a bit of background... now to Leela's actual question.

The answer lies in how we think about dance and the processes.

So first, as laid out above, we let go of dance as "feel good" or "fun" or whatever is blocking us from getting to the music and our bodies.

We start at the beginning.

Which means removing the crap.

Which means doing something as simple as putting on loud music and PUNCHING KICKING JUMPING SCREAMING STOMPING .

That is dance as ritual process.

And right now when life pretty much sucks all around us, this might be your only practice for some time.

Then suddenly, after doing this for weeks or months or whatever, you might notice that the music on the radio in the car is making you bop about a bit.

After doing this for some time, you might hear yourself giggle.

After doing this for some time, you might even be able to listen to music that used to make you sad.

But we have to start at the beginning.

Release.

Then comes acts of noticing.

So a second practice could be as simple as putting on music, standing up, and focusing solely on your feet... moving them, stretching them, smooshing them, etc. Getting INSIDE your feet.

These noticing practices are what is keeping me going during all of this grief.

There’s so much more to all of this but this is a good starting point.

The Betrayal of Self and The Rebuilding of Trust

There are a lot of reasons we can't "hear" our body's wisdom anymore. One of the most common? Learning from an early age that our desires/needs weren't to be our primary concern/responsibility but instead that we were supposed to focus on being a certain way to fulfill others' needs.

This happens to almost everyone in one way or another, but for some, it’s more directly intense and much more destructive of the sense of self that’s crucial to individuation and a sense of fulfillment.

Learning to listen again can feel scary, for sure. It can feel totally overwhelming. We can feel like the emotions that come with it are too much. Or perhaps we have simply decided we aren't worth the effort.

The Peony Method is gentle and it takes time but eventually? All of this can and will change.

We must start with simply allowing the body to be what it is in this moment. We spend a lot of our lives in this culture trying to manipulate the body into a certain form or action, only to then get angry at the body for not doing so or not doing so quickly enough.

We are betraying ourselves in those moments and so trusting starts right there.

Trusting starts with acknowledging, noticing, allowing, and eventually? Being fascinated. I’ve seen it thousands of time — women thinking they’d never be able to feel fascination within their own bodies “UNLESS…” (fill in the blank… they were thinner, stronger, had this or that…). But they’re always wrong. And delighted to be so.

It won’t happen over night, but over time… with patience and commitment to practice.

Remembering to use The Peony Method on MYSELF because... it works (duh and oy)

From pre-Craig in my Girl on Fire Movement Studio, Erie, PA

There has been so much change over the last six years that I don’t think I could list it all. It started with meeting Craig and then from there it has been this wild roller coaster ride from moving to Vermont to moving back to Erie to experiencing some really painful things to moving to Columbus and then buying a new house and then losing my sweet Peony most recently.

That doesn’t even really begin to cover it, and in the meantime, I lost my daily dance practice. ME. The teacher of daily dance.

For about 8 years, between teaching and then doing my own practice, I was dancing anywhere from 2 to 6 hours a day. You read that right. It typically was around 3 but it could easily be in that 2 to 6 range depending on the day.

Let’s back up even more…

About 13 years ago ((!!!)), when I first started to dance again, just putting on my favorite music and moving was enough. There was so much joy in my body that was aching to be expressed and I had been away from dance due to that shitty chronic depression for so long that it took very little to get me going again.

Then I started to train and I realized I was really missing moving with other humans so then just being with other humans in a class was enough to get me going.

Over time and through working with so many different populations (from traumatized children to people living with Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s and everyone in between), through all my studies in somatic psychologies and different movement modalities, I’ve composted and then synthesized and recreated and grown new ways of working with people to process trauma and grief and move into their joybodies.

This has evolved into the newly named, Peony Method.

After Peony died, I knew it was more important than ever to get my personal dance practice back. I’d been trying for a couple of years but it wasn’t clicking.

Then I had a big AH-HA moment… just the other day…

I’ve been just putting on good or interesting music and then expecting myself to, well, move.

And I get bored or distracted or just feel lethargic and apathetic.

But not when I teach. When I teach, I also move. And I never have a hard time getting going or staying moving.

Why?

BECAUSE I’M FOLLOWING MY OWN DAMN PROMPTS.

Which are GOOD and serve a damn purpose! (I’m yelling at myself there and laughing at myself at the same time.)

Telling people to “just dance” isn’t the answer.

People are stuck. They feel numb. They’re tired. They’re sad. They’re disconnected. I include myself there.

They’ve lost any understanding of really being EMBODIED, of being able to find PLAY.

It’s the whole freaking reason I have designed the work I have.

Now my dance practice will move forward because I’ll TEACH MYSELF. I’ll use my prompts.

This will lead, of course, to learning new ways to teach and prompt because I won’t feel stuck, numb, lethargic, or disconnected.

Instead, I’ll feel interested, curious, fascinated, playful.

Duh.

And OY.

The Power of the Gayatri Mantra

I don’t remember when I first came across the Gayatri Mantra, but it was at least over 10 years ago. And there was a time, when I would turn on a version of this and listen to it on looping for a huge chunk of my day. I could feel it repairing some part of my mind/heart without even understanding, at the time, what it was about or how mantra worked in general.

The Gayatri Mantra comes out of the Vedic tradition and is probably from around 1500 BCE (Before the Common Era, for those in the world who are not Christian and therefore would not say BC).

It’s also mentioned in my favorite text, the Bhagavad Gita (link is to my favorite translation/commentary), as the “poem of the divine.”

In Hinduism, it’s said that chanting it or even just listening to it brings happiness and light.

I’m sharing a version from Deva Premal because I love her and find her easy to chant with. This video has it looped a few times to make it longer. But just go on YouTube and start searching for the one that really speaks to you.

The Gayatri Mantra in Sanskrit:

Om bhur bhuvah svah

tat savitur varenyam

bhargo devasya dhimahi

dhiyo yo nah prachodayat.

The Gayatri Mantra Translated:

The eternal, earth, air, heaven
That glory, that resplendence of the sun
May we contemplate the brilliance of that light
May the sun inspire our minds.

*Translation by Douglas Brooks

As is usual with Sanskrit, there are so many translations. Sanskrit is a deeply poetic language and is difficult to translate into English.

Here are some more translations. I believe spending time contemplating these can open new spaces in our mind/heart. Try them out, especially, first thing in the morning, when it’s said to be the most auspicious time to work with this particular chant.

"O thou existence Absolute,
Creator of the three dimensions,
we contemplate upon thy divine light.
May He stimulate our intellect and
bestow upon us true knowledge."

Or

"O Divine mother, our hearts are filled with darkness.
Please make this darkness distant from us and
promote illumination within us."

And one more:

"We contemplate the glory of the light
that illuminates the three worlds:
dense, subtle and causal.
I am that life-giving power, love,
radiant enlightenment, and the divine grace
of universal intelligence.
We pray for that divine light to illuminate our minds."

Joy Gem in the City & The Function of Memory in a Happy Life

I’ve written about this idea that I use in movement classes called “joy gems,” in which I ask you to remember in great sensory detail a happy moment from any time in your life. This stuff is important for healing trauma on a neurological/biological level. You can read more details about how this works here.

This is a share of a joy gem of my own with some thoughts on memory…

Moving into this house in this part of this city has felt like a string of miracles or coincidences or whatever you want to call it.

So much had to go right, had to be just right.

Now if you weren’t around during this or if you just didn’t hear me talking about it, when we walked into this house, I knew it was for us. Immediately.

But later it struck me that I knew that because it had the energy of one of my favorite houses of my whole life — the house of my GreatAunt Ardelle in Erie.

She was a special human. (Some day, she deserves a book (or two) written about how special and all the things she taught me, whether knowingly or unknowingly.)

One of my favorite things when I was very little was getting to spend the night at Ardelle’s. I would sleep on her davenport right off of her bedroom. The front of the house was visible as the whole thing was quite open and the front big window opened onto what was one of the busier roads in Erie.

I would lie there, not sleeping, watching the lights drift across the ceiling as cars drove by.

When I was little, there was something so very thrilling and also so very soothing about this.

The other night, here, in Columbus, 52 year old me could not sleep, so I made my way to our front room and laid on the couch, facing the big window that looks out toward the street.

Suddenly, the car lights were washing across the ceiling…

I had not noticed this before. I hadn’t thought about it as a possibility.

And there it was… like a beacon from little, 4 year old me…

As I was getting ready to write about this, I decided to look for a quote about memory and one of the first to pop up was this, by one of my favorite authors:

“I can only note that the past is beautiful because one never
realises an emotion at the time.
It expands later, and thus we don't have complete emotions about
the present, only about the past.”
― Virginia Woolf

There is so much truth in what she says.

If you doubt, just think back to a day that was uber special — a wedding, a birth, anything of great significance — and think about how difficult it can feel to be truly present to it. How it’s so very overwhelmingly wonderful that it can almost feel like you are missing it as it is happening.

But later, LATER, looking back… there it is.

It’s this looking back at these sorts of moments that can heal us. And I think it’s a large piece of the puzzle of healing that can be missing, as we take so much time to “unearth” and “understand” and “process” the difficult things that have happened to us, which is important, but not more important than this… the work of constructing a memory edifice of light and love.

Flags, Rainbows, and Jesus: Taking Back that which Hate Wants to Steal

I was talking to Craig recently about the American flag, and that no matter how much I know it’s wrong, when I see you flying one, I assume certain things about you.

This makes my seven year old heart sad. That’s how old I was when I got to go to Betsy Ross’s house in Philly for a school trip. I LOVED that tiny house and her and the idea of her sitting there and sewing that first flag.

Symbols are more powerful than words, and right now, symbols can either send out the message that if you are different in any way, you are safe here or you are not safe.

It happens instantly.

I’ve always really disliked brightly colored rainbow stuff. I have always found it garish. But I understand now that it says “I’m with you,” and so I’ve started to embrace it in our distinctly diverse and beautiful neighborhood in this city that makes so many feel safer than the very small city I came from.

As a woman, I’ve for as long as I can remember struggled with Christianity. Let’s just say that and know that I could write BOOKS about this particular struggle.

But I also have a strongly Catholic heart… the best of it speaks to me in profound ways that nothing else can touch. Our Lady of Guadalupe. Mary’s yes. The work of mystics like Thomas Merton. St. Francis. A pope who SEEMS to understand compassion in a way we’ve not seen before. Smells and bells. Deep contemplation. Ritual. The Catholic Imagination, to use Fr. Greeley’s book title.

And yet… my GOD, the damage done, the lives hurt and lost, and now the twisted, demented, evil version of Christianity that the far right has latched onto and claimed.

It makes my heart hurt and my head feel like it could POP.

To say that the far right’s view of Christianity is antithetical to everything that Christ taught is not even close to the reality of what they have managed to do through their deformed messaging.

So when I’m reading books on this subject matter, let’s just say, if I’m out in public, I might hide their covers, lay them cover down, slide them into my bag upside down…

I don’t want anyone to feel unsafe around me. What a sad sentence that is … that I had to write that.

Gandhi looked to Christ as one of history’s greatest prophets of nonviolence, and here I am, rightfully afraid that someone will perceive violence toward them via my reading materials.

I needed to finally write about all of this because I was sitting on our front stoop today with a book about Clare of Assisi next to me. The sun was shining. I had on my “hex the patriarchy” tshirt (but the print is small…).

A young woman was stopped at my stoop by their dog, who insisted on visiting me. I laughed and told them it was fine. The dog was so pretty!

Then I realized as they walked away that they had been staring at my book and that their demeanor shifted in that moment.

It made me so sad.

That’s what all the hate in the world is doing even on a micro level.

It’s making us suspicious of one another’s very hearts.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t be. That hate is toxic and has proven itself deadly.

But I’m wondering how we can counter it with a love that is so much more powerful if we keep losing important symbols of love.

I want to take them back and recombine them with obvious symbols of love and openheartedness. I’ve seen it happening but we need MORE.

I see you

I remember the very first time I saw into someone so deeply that I realized I was seeing a very young version of them. It happened during my first training at Kripalu, before I started teaching, as I witnessed a woman dancing.

That’s when I realized that this work I was about to embark upon was/is profoundly sacred.

The act of seeing another human — actually and fully seeing them — is profoundly sacred.

And when you are vulnerable enough to allow for that seeing, we are in communion together, bringing forth your truth.

I don’t think I can describe the work I do — the work we do together — any better than that last sentence.

I make the space for that bringing forth to happen by giving you the opportunity and the tools to be that vulnerable. I give you a method and a process through which you can explore yourself and all your parts and experiences… wordlessly, with no need to explain or make excuses or even to “try to understand.”

I also make space for you to process and transmute all of this, to make space for it inside yourself, to create wholeness, and to really know your strength.

If that’s not “church” or “temple” or “ritual,” I don’t know what is.

Choosing Joy: It's not trite

This is taking ultimate responsibility for our lives. It's hard and sometimes I just want to throw a temper tantrum and say NO! I'M EXHAUSTED!

Sometimes the reality of this power we hold as individuals just makes me mad... why can't someone else do it!?

Choosing joy is not trite. It’s not about giggles or excitement, though it can be.

It’s something so much deeper.

If you’ve suffered from any sort of depression or anxiety, all of this can feel even more difficult and almost… cruel, right? Like how do we DO THIS in light of those mental health challenges especially?! When we barely have the energy to get out of bed, how do we choose joy?!

In light of those challenges, it’s actually more important that we become conscious of the fact of this choice.

In bed, when we are struggling, can we look around for even a hint of joy that could motivate us?

If you’ve known me for more than five minutes, you know that would be the sight of my cat, Peony.

When I’ve been in some of my darkest moments in this human form, the thought of that cat… the purrs of that cat, have saved me.

Joy has saved me.

“Do not look for rest in any pleasure, because you were not created for pleasure: you were created for spiritual joy. And if you do not know the difference between pleasure and spiritual joy you have not yet begun to live.”

— Thomas Merton