What Dance REALLY Is...

Dance is a creative and expressive force that lives within your genes and was never meant to be the thing we think it is... the over-extensions, the dieting to death, the specific bodies only, the specific ages only...

We have become so disconnected from our individual bodies that we no longer know how to listen to them or care for them, and now that we're adept at destroying ourselves, we are destroying this world.

Dancing in community, dancing for joy, dancing for grief, dancing to be with those whom we love, dancing to mark important events, dancing to cross thresholds...

THAT is what dancing is.

It is the willingness to be vulnerable and truthful and to dig in deep and it is a pathway to healing that will heal us and our environment, but we must be willing to take it back.

Spiritual constipation... Yep, you read that right

For some people, a crisis like my father’s stroke last October expands and deepens and affirms their faith. For some people, it has the opposite effect, and I am in that second group… much to my surprise.

You see, I have always and forever been a seeker.

From the day I saw… something… when I was jumped on in a pool at the age of six and immediately started to drown, the air pushed out of my body so fast by the weight of the other body.

From the day I walked into the kitchen soon after and asked my mother, “how do I know I am me?”

There are too many instances to recount here, but by the time I was maybe 10 or 11, I was sitting on a stool in our city library pulling books off the shelf in the Eastern religion section and trying to freaking figure all of this out.

I knew there was more than this and I knew there were too many simple explanations out there, keeping people from exploring and discovering. I knew that wouldn’t be me. I knew I wanted to experience what I had experienced in that pool, that’s for sure, and I wasn’t finding it in any church, though I’d get the occasional glimpse there.

Over my life, I have studied and studied so many religions and philosophical systems that resemble religion. I like this about myself. I like synthesizing and integrating.

If there is something bigger, something God(dess)-like, then a few things I do know are that one container is way too small, containers are metaphors and yet simultaneously real, and language (a construct of this limited human mind) can never touch reality.

And so, I like having Our Lady of Guadalupe on my altar next to Kali next to Kwan Yin next to…

Over my life, it’s been my relationship with Guady (as I call her) that has, for whatever reason, been the most powerful, the most consistent. When I am lost in a dark place of doubt, which happens not rarely thanks to this deeply curious mind, it is Guady who seems to somehow find me.

It sounds… fluffy, doesn’t it? but it’s the only way I can explain it.

My father’s stroke was remarkably transformative in ways I could not have foreseen and have not liked one bit.

Nothing that I used to do was breaking through.

Chant. Prayer. Meditation. Reading. Visualizing. The rosary. Going to mass.

What is the point of life if all we do is die?

I could not get past that question.

I could not get past the idea that there’s quite simply NOTHING MORE than this.

I’m writing about all of this as if it were in the past and it’s not.

It’s my right now.

I have some good helpers in this arena. They are all saying the same thing to me… do the things regardless. Do the chanting and the prayer and the altar creation even if you don’t feel it.

Plant the seeds. Cultivate. Keep working it. Wait.

In the meantime, a good friend giggled and pointed out that I am spiritually constipated, and I just need the right enema.

I’m thinking I’m not alone.

I know I’m not alone in this.

And speaking of Guady finding me…

A few weeks ago we were in Asheville and I knew they had a rather famous Basilica but I wasn’t going to seek it out. Instead, we walked and walked one day downtown and suddenly, we were at it. It loomed in front of us.

And she was in there, in so many of her guises.

I lit a candle and said a prayer that for the first time in a long time felt like a true prayer.

I say prayer like things when I am teaching all the time, but they are more inner directed.

In that quiet, cool, dark basilica, lighting that candle in front of a Marian shrine, for the first time in a long time, it felt outer directed.

I don’t believe in a God that sits above us, watching over us, judging or helping, but I do believe that I am woven into something bigger that I can access.

I believe that when I am not NOT believing it.

I believe that when I am not spiritually constipated.

In the meantime, my enemas include chanting and reading some tantra texts but also a new work by Mirabai Starr about women mystics. A few pages in and I can feel a slight stirring deep in my belly.

I have built a water and stone altar to Guady and I plan to create an altar to some of my significant ancestors.

That’s all I’ve got right now… some hope that these things might take root and grow, that I might find my way back to that little girl on that stool in the library who was so open and wondering and in awe of life.

Another free playlist: To send out intentions/energy/prayers

Remember that I share these lists on both YouTube and Spotify so whichever one works best for you! AND remember that you can subscribe to my channels on either of those. (YouTube is a good idea because eventually I’ll be uploading teaching videos there.)

This new list is again under 30 minutes.

And it can be used in a variety of ways:

The first piece of music is a chant to Ganesha to clear obstacles. You might perceive obstacles to your intentions externally, but we also want to be sure we are clear internally.

The playlist can be approached with a very specific intention. It could be "aimed" at a specific person or group of people or part of the environment. Or you could be very general. Just be clear.

And take a moment after to sit in silence and imagine refilling your own energy well.

The Problem of Man-Made Yoga Postures

I’ve written about this a bit before — the idea that yoga is not of the body but the body can take us more deeply into yoga. Go here.

But another aspect of that same issue is much on my mind and these thoughts are just the beginning. (And please…don’t nitpick… there are FANTASTIC teachers of what we call “traditional” hatha yoga out there. It has benefits, blah blah blah… why do you think I’ve been studying it for 25 years? But “traditional” is problematic in terms of who is defining that and based on what. And good things are good because they can tolerate internal evolution.)

The yoga postures we do were made by men, and they contain a whole hell of a lot of masculine energy (as we typically define these things). I’m not saying they are of the toxic masculinity category, but they can go there when they get too strict, too defined, too prescribed, too demanding with no room for individuality, and too centered around the ego of the creator. (I’m looking at you, Mr. Bikram.)

The yoga postures we do were made by men, catalogued by men, systematized by men. And they look like it.

Everything is on static planes. Everything is… pointed. Everything is about standing in place, getting the POSE right, doing certain poses, and of course, always looking to do the pose better and always looking for the harder pose to learn and perfect next.

Even in a “flow yoga” class, you’re still just, basically, transitioning quicker (faster, better, stronger) from one such pose to the next.

I’m pretty much done with that.

“Straight lines don’t do much for the body except turn it into a cast, eventually limiting mobility and creating issues based in repetitive stress.”

Let go of the forms once you know the forms. All of our best and most innovative movement artists and teachers have come to this same conclusion eventually.

Be like water, as Bruce Lee said. Exactly.

The body craves wave like motion, circular motion, NATURAL free flowing motion that is explorative in nature, that is experimental, that is constantly changing and challenging.

The best strength is soft, pliable, responsive strength.

If you’re paying attention, you’ll notice that I’m describing an approach to our physical yoga that is very much based in feminine energy.

And so I rarely teach what most people would call yoga anymore.

My yoga (WaterSpine Yoga) is deep in meaning and intention and it’s steeped in the larger yoga, the philosophy of yoga and the breath.

The yoga of the body that I’m exploring and playing with now will take you to a place of peace and strength and awareness and it will teach you to trust YOU and not some form or structure or any person behind that form or structure.

True yoga is meant to free you, not lock you up.

You are a Solid Gold Dancer. Or Buddha. Whichever.

Thailand is home to the largest, solid gold Buddha in the world. It’s about 13 feet tall and would be worth around 300 million today, depending on the price of gold.

It was created sometime between 1200 and 1400 common era.

Did you know a lot of Buddha statues in the world are missing heads because it was the easiest thing for thieves to remove and melt down to sell?

This Buddha kept his head.

But he did so because his true identity was kept secret until 1954, hundreds of years after being disguised to protect him from becoming a spoil of war and after many moves from one insignificant temple to another.

Because who wanted a cheap concrete Buddha embedded with fake, kitschy glass in their temple?

No one could see this Buddha for what he actually was after so many years of neglect and wear and tear and intentional hiding, concealing, masking.

A lot like each one of us.

Except the concrete and cheap gems are layered on by difficult life experiences and then by the crap stories our asshole brain tells us about those experiences and about ourselves. Most of the concrete, we mixed and applied ourselves.

I’ve always told my students this, from the very beginning:

“You are covered in a layer of ick, hardened crap, solidified fear and anger icing of mostly your own making. Dance is the pick axe that will bust through those layers. But it will take effort and commitment, compassion and devotion to the true self that lies waiting underneath. It’s simple but it’s never easy.”

Only days ago did I hear this story of the Golden Buddha, and yes, I thought… no matter what has happened to us, this core, this center, this original self is always there, waiting in radiance to be uncovered.

This is our work in this life: to allow this aspect of ourselves to shine through.

Once we reveal this self and devote ourselves to its maintenance, crap will still cling. Dance goes from pick axe to teflon coating at this point.

You keep doing the work so that the crap finally, after it hits you, just…slides…off…

Food, Alcohol, Pleasure, and Meds

The warmth during our trip to Asheville was my favorite thing…

I’ve written a lot (and still have so much more to write) about the changes to my brain since going on the right anti-depressant. (Here, here, here, and here.)

And before you read: Please remember that I am the mother of #ExperimentofOne. This is about what works for me. That doesn’t mean I think it would work for you. What I DO believe would work for you is questioning your own assumptions frequently and playing with variables.

To paraphrase Thomas Merton, we are built not for pleasure but for joy. The distinction is important. Pleasure is momentary and of the world; joy is deep and abiding and can be tapped into at any moment because it’s embedded in our operating systems, so to speak. It’s always there, waiting for us to notice. It’s not dependent on anything else.

Pleasure is good. I’m not a puritan. But it’s not the point and it can’t be our primary motivation. Or you can easily end up with a nation of high-functioning addicts. (Oh, wait…)

Pleasure is important but it’s secondary to the depth of joy.

Pleasure is easy. Go eat a cupcake. (Now I want a cupcake.) Joy takes devotion and awareness.

And eventually I’ll relate this preamble to food and my depression…

Though the anti-depressants have removed the Chemical Asshole from my brain, there is still work to be done.

I am still responsible for my own health, wellbeing, and happiness.

A pill can take care of the biochemical issue — and thank god for that — but there remains first, old habits developed out of coping with chronic depression, and second, a desire not just for “good” but for AWESOME.

The pill allows me to spend my energy where it belongs — on joy and love and writing and dance and relationships and learning and growing and all the good things that used to get eaten up by the energy it took just to live with my depression from hour to hour and not succumb to a deep desire to give up.

But the pill does not do All the Things. It does not suddenly make me a different or new person. It does not change who I am on a basic level. It simply gives me access to myself again.

I could decide this is good enough, but that’s not my nature.

I know there’s more to life even than this. I have Big Dreams and goals and desires. I have dance to teach, worlds to explore, books to write.

Because I’m not fighting Chemical Asshole, I have the power to dream again (I had recently totally and truly lost that capacity and that’s when I knew I had to seek help because I’ve ALWAYS been able to IMAGINE), and I have the power to go after those dreams. (None of this can be overstated. I’ll try to write about how this FEELS on a basic level at some point but the words aren’t available to me yet. I’m still adjusting.)

One of the most fundamental ways that I know to make my brain even happier and healthier is through my diet.

For example, in the past, when I’ve been pretty darn strict about being paleo (with occasional treats), I have had less brain fog and less systemic inflammation issues in general. I had more energy. I slept better. I felt more rested.

I also do better with VERY little alcohol in my life.

But I’ve noticed something: when I tell people that I am going back to eating like this and only drinking a beer once in a while, I get met with a lot of objections along the lines of…

But you like beer and wine…

But food is yummy…

What about fun and pleasure…

Life is too short…

First, thanks for the sabotage.

Second, life is too short, indeed, and that is my whole reason for doing this.

I’m much more interested in joy than pleasure.

I will eat the occasional cupcake, but I want the energy and focus it takes to do great and good and big things in this life.

I want adventure and learning and curiosity and excitement and experiences of awe.

Wine with dinner that gives me a headache the next day or somehow numbs me to the now? No, thanks. Depression numbed me for 20 years. I want to be HERE in the NOW; I want to FEEL this life.

Food that makes me feel sick and throws off my system and leaves me creaky and exhausted? Nope. A side effect of my depression were chronic pain issues that left me pretty darn immobile and thinking I needed a cane by the time I was 35. (For real.)

Why the hell would I choose yum over being completely in my life?

And why is it not enough to enjoy a simply perfect peach? What about a square of dark chocolate?

Why are we slaves to foods and beverages that do not uplift us and sustain vibrant life? These questions are important and our resistance to answering them can be telling.

I want more joy and if that means eliminating a bit of momentary pleasure here and there… well, that is devotion to myself, to my purpose, to ultimate love.

To paraphrase that rather awful Kate Moss quote and turn it into something meaningful: Nothing tastes as good as joy/happiness/mental health feels.

New, FREE Circle of Trees Monthly Global Intention Dance

This new project is FREE and open to anyone anywhere on this beautiful planet, and I’m super excited for it to begin TUESDAY, MAY 7th. Please follow instructions below for joining.

When we dance together, there is an instant sacred connection created. We all feel it — whether in a club or a studio or a friend’s living room.

It makes sense since dancing, after all, along with lighting a fire and drumming, was the first way we created ritual.

It’s in our genes; it swims in and around our cells. It travels forth on our breath and soaks earth with out sweat.

From running online projects for many years now, though, I know that you don’t have to even be in the same room — or the same town or even on the same continent for this connection to occur and be palpable, to have full effect.

To have full effect all there needs to be is shared awareness and intention and group directed action.

So once a month, I’ll lead a global intention dance.

HOW: You have to be in the Facebook group, Circle of Trees. Period. This is where the event will be initiated. I won’t be replicating it anywhere else. Just tell me to add you by going to my Facebook page and saying, HEY! ADD ME TO THE TREES! (If you’re not my friend yet, start by friending me there.)

WHEN: I’ll start the process in the Circle of Trees on the first Tuesday of every month.

WHAT: I’ll start by asking an intention based question. Answer. The more people who answer, the more the thread of intention will connect all of us and the more we can each become part of the awareness web that will support those intentions.

I’ll also provide music AND A TIME for us all to try to participate.

PLEASE NOTE: I’ll alter the time month to month, considering we all live in different zones all over the world.

ALSO: If you can’t participate because the time ends up being the middle of the night for you, do it the following day at that time. Just focus your awareness. You’re still with us.

That’s it. It’s that easy.

Free Stuff: Playlists to Help You with Your Personal Practice

One of the difficulties that can arise when we’re trying to develop or deepen an at home personal movement art practice is music. Not everyone has the time or the inclination to find music. Not everyone knows what kind of music would work best for different kinds of movement work.

So to help with that, I’m starting to share some freebies, including some playlists over on YouTube.

Go to my channel, click on “playlists” under the banner, and you’ll find three to start: one for working with anger and frustration, another to ground and center, and another for growing more joy and play.

Each list is under 30 minutes but can, of course, be used in even smaller bits of time by just doing a random shuffle and using the first song or the first couple to come up.

ALSO please be sure to SUBSCRIBE to my channel so that you get updates when I start to share more.