I don’t know exactly the years because in a frenzy of cleaning out the old to make room for the new, I deleted old blogs, including the entirety of Blisschick ((UGH)), but approximately 12 years ago, I started to blog under that name for the first time and my life was changed in ways that are indescribable.
I started to blog simply to improve my writing habits, and it certainly did that, but so much more grew from that instinct to create. I made connections that are maintained to this day. My mind was sharper and clearer and eventually all of it led to the biggest change of all — dance, which led to a life that was not completely free of depression but was free of most of the debilitating symptoms, a life that was managed so well that it was comprised of the most joy I had known since I was about 4 years old.
Blisschick’s purpose was, quite simply, to track bliss — in small, daily ways and in those occasional big ways that come along so unexpectedly.
Fast forward to now…
I am doing work that I love. I have my family in my life and that is huge love. I am married to a man who is kind and strong, and with him, I got more family.
But lately, that old depression has taken over again. For many complex reasons, including a big one: I turned 50 just after my very healthy father had a horrible stroke (he’s recovering), and existential depression took over my heart.
With the work and all the love in my life, I still feel a lack of meaning and purpose. Life feels cruel.
My heart asserts otherwise, but this depression is the stuff of brain, and brain, as I like to say, can be a real asshole.
I have been managing this tendency toward depression for so long that I have practices in my life that have given me the capacity to still hear the higher, wiser voice of Witness Mind, and in that space, I can hear things like “Remember that depression is a LIAR. When depression says life is cruel, look for evidence to the contrary.”
Finally, after fighting this beast and sometimes feeling like I was truly losing again, on this second day of this new year, that Witness Mind showed me the path, and the path, no surprise, is writing.
Because good writing is all about noticing, and noticing is the antidote to existential depression.
And like Blisschick was all about noticing bits of bliss, this year I will be writing about noticing magic.
Magic is a word that encompasses everything that is important to me, everything that drives me in this world: beauty, awe, wonder, curiosity, playfulness, mystery, surprise (of the best kind), experimentation, freedom, wildness, sensuality, femininity, connection, and flow.
To give myself a start with this, I’m participating in this 40 days of magic challenge that has a low level of woo feeling to it (which can be important to me at this stage because this sort of depression brings out the cynic in me).
I’m also awaiting the arrival of this book on a recommendation from a dear, wise friend. The chapter headings were enough to convince me it was worth ordering.
Mostly, though, I’m opening my eyes and my heart. I’m listening to that inner four year old who thinks the stars are populated, that chocolate milkshakes cure everything, that dust motes in sun beams are actually fairy lights, and that when I dance, I am infinite joy.