If You People Please, You're Likely Expecting Others to Do the Same for YOU

I’m thinking a ton lately about issues of race and gender/sex/identity and how it’s all intertwined and how it affects my work and how I should/can change my work as I know and understand more. And I understand so very little, when it comes right down to it.

The more you know, the more you know you don’t know shit, right?

As I’m thinking about these things especially intensely over the last few weeks, I try to very gently enter into conversations that are about these topics and ask questions. For a while, it just seemed I couldn’t ask anything right or in the right way. I kept getting, well, yelled at in a variety of ways. No one was super mean but I was definitely getting my hand slapped, and I was getting more and more frustrated.

How can I learn if I can’t ask?

Then I had a private discussion with someone who lives these questions and who cares for me and was willing to kinda hand hold and be patient though very direct (which I respond well to). Thank GOD for this person.

But you might be surprised to find out what I learned or maybe you won’t be surprised at all because you’re further ahead on this curve than me and you’ve already been muttering to yourself as you read this.

I learned that, really, I WAS the problem. Or my approach was anyway. Even though I approached with love and good intentions and care, I was still expecting too much.

I was still expecting the person who is suffering to do the work for me. I was still expecting them to do heavy emotional lifting for me.

Here’s what I was extra surprised by: this was happening because I do this FAR TOO MUCH FOR OTHER PEOPLE in my own work and world.

People who have brains and can do research come to me with basic questions about trauma. I use my precious time and brain energy giving them all of the information on a platter. When they could just as easily go get that information for themselves, do the basic thinking for themselves, and come back later when they’re ready to have a genuine discussion with me as two equal humans struggling.

I hand hold people like crazy on the regular, thinking I “should” or maybe people won’t “like me.”

See that people pleaser woman shit right there?

So then when *I* am the asker, of course, I enter into the scenario with the same messed up expectations for the person I perceive as the “expert.”

Whoa…

What a crap ton of codependent shit right there. Can you see it?

I’m off to order a bunch of books about racism, white fragility, and the intersection of racism and sexism (because hello, constitution, written FOR AND BY white men).

I’m gonna go do my homework and I’m asking that you do yours too, okay?

Because I’m also gonna be recovering from all that people pleasing.

Battle Fatigue During Lockdown

This lockdown we’re all experiencing is tough. And if you already had some pre-existing mental health challenges, it’s tougher. Period. This shit is deeply triggering, even for the healthier of mind among us, so it can be downright dangerously triggering for those of us already battle fatigued.

I’m one of that group who is battle fatigued and who is really struggling to find the next level of courage and strength that I need right now. So if you’re reading this and nodding, you’re not alone.

From the outside, I look okay. You know what us overachieving, perfectionist, high-functioning depressive types are like. We don’t like anyone to really know what’s happening.

It might even seem that I share a lot. I share a TINY percentage of my actual day to day struggle. A struggle that only my husband and maybe 3 other people really understands.

Each day is uphill and slogging through mud, for the most part. Each day is about getting a sort of personal “minimum” done, no matter what.

Then at night, in bed, I crash — physically and emotionally.

As is always the case, I’m not sharing this for pity. I’m sharing this for people who are even quieter than ME about their struggles, about those days when it really feels like they might not make it, about those times when the darkest parts of their minds start generating ways to get out.

I’m sharing it for those people who are even quieter than ME and so you’ll never ever know that every day is a victory worthy of a medal.

Every day that we are still here and still trying, we are growing courage muscles that I wish no human even needed.

And for those of us who didn’t make it — for the Vincent Van Goghs and the Virginia Woolfs of our world — it’s not that their courage gave out. It’s that the battle fatigue got too strong.

So right now… we need to extra watch out for each other.

Right now, the stronger among us must lend strength to those struggling.

Right now, may our compassion grow a safety net that lets no one pass through.

Virtual is Not Virtual

Maybe it’s because I was an early-ish adopter to this online teaching thing, trying to teach movement via streaming years ago when it truly sucked and then figuring out ways to do it regardless of the technology and then growing my ways as the technology grew and continues to grow.

But I’m seeing a lot of people feeling overwhelmed by suddenly being thrown into this medium and I’m grateful not to be needing to learn all of this at light speed.

I’m also seeing a lot of people who are new to the medium demeaning it. Stop.

The tech is only as good as the user so if you’re not getting much out of it, well, fill in the rest of this sentence.

As one of my long time movement students pointed out, because we are human our use of the technology still retains a sensuality — it’s just a new sort of sensuality that we have to explore and learn about.

Virtual classes... there's really nothing "virtual" about them. They're still powerful; they're still connecting spaces. There is embodiment even in this. There is sensual experience even in this. There is curiosity and growth and beauty.

And just this past week, I even had people working in pairs and you know what? It was just as beautiful and meaningful as ever.

My YouTube Channel is Expanding

I share a lot of videos in the Embodiment Sanctuary, my private Facebook group (which you can ask me to add you to), and sometimes it can feel overwhelming, right? I mean, even a GOOD video takes TIME to watch.

One of the #Treesters in that group pointed this out to me and I realized I already had a way to make this easier on all of us. I’ll still post those things in the sanctuary, of course, because it creates amazing conversations, but I’ll also be using my YouTube channel to keep them all in one place for your ease.

Subscribe to my channel but also go over there and check out the playlists.

Besides curating playlists of interesting/enlightening/helpful/amazing stuff, I also create original content, and I’ll be doing way more of that over this coming year. If you have topics you’d like me to cover, let me know here or over on Facebook or by sending me an email.

Helpful Beauty or Shit You Can Check Out to Stop Feeling Insane

We need beauty more than ever right now and so I thought I’d share a list of links for you to peruse and you know… ignore for a few moments that the world feels like it’s falling apart.

Cherry blossoms have to be one of my favorite harbingers of later spring and no one, of course, does them like Japan (photo above). Just looking at photos of Japanese gardens and architecture tends to calm me. So much so that I have a Pinterest board dedicated to it.

And if gardens on the dramatic cliffs of the coast of France are your thing ((ha)), here is a great selection of photos that just made me swoon.

If you’re a rock and gem and crystal nerd like me, you should join this public Facebook group because holy cow!

Need a sound bath, even the LIGHTING of this guy’s videos is soothing. (And remember that you can get distance work done by Nancy Bowden. You can do skype, phone, whatever.)

If you need some new music to dance to or to keep you motivated, check out my Spotify and especially look at my “liked songs.” Play it on shuffle.

If you are interested in the Enneagram and want to laugh and learn simultaneously, check out Abby Howe’s channel. (I’m a 4 and wow… SO FUNNY!)

This doesn’t get old. It made me snort yet again when I got the clip for you. AND his voice is just so damn…soothing.

Oh, my! Everything from Frida Kahlo to Pompeii is covered in some amazing online free virtual tours of current exhibits that none of us can get to. This collection is such a gift of options!

Furthermore, some of the biggest and best museums from all over the planet are offering virtual tours of their collections. I could get lost in these.

Here you can find links to opera, theatre, musicals, KABUKI, and more online for free!

The MoMA is offering free online classes.

And here’s a list of FIVE HUNDRED courses being offered for free by Ivy League schools.

On my YouTube channel (which you could subscribe to), I have a Dance Inspiration playlist. I’ve been collecting these for years now and it’s interesting to see what i used to find compelling compared to now.

Okay… that seems like a good start. ((HA)) This could actually keep you focused on good and beautiful things for a long time to come.

Is there anything you’ve found that you would add?

And don’t forget that you can ask me to add you to my Facebook private group, Embodiment Sanctuary, where we support one another in a private and safe space and where I share ways to deal with all the ick via body and breath practices and JOY.

Also I want to add… all of this is free. IF you are able, please support artists and solo-preneurs whom you know. A lot of us are not eligible for business loans or help (not that there’s a lot out there), and though we’re home, there are ways for us to continue to do our work if we continue to have students and supporters.

Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey Stuff

During the filming of the grief piece which I’ve still not edited even though my schedule is, well, lighter than ever. (see post below)

What time is it? What day is it? What month are we in? How long have we been in this lockdown thing? When will things go back to “normal?” What is “normal?”

Time has become, for sure, something very wibbly wobbly.

I’ve been pretty much in charge of my own schedule for many years. But I had a SCHEDULE. I even used a planner (what the hell is that?!).

I had places to go, people to meet with, things that had to be done by certain times. I had to GO SOMEWHERE to teach my classes. I would form my day around that and then squeeze in the gym or boxing, walking, coffee and writing, errands.

Now all those markers are gone.

It feels like suddenly being plunged into the middle of the ocean when you’re used to living on the shore and diving in and out when you need or want to.

It’s uncomfortable. It can even be scary.

“WHERE THE HELL DID MY DAY GO? WHAT DID I DO?”

I say that a lot. I don’t like the feeling. It all makes me angry and sad and then lethargic. Then I bounce back and start over, still wondering what day it is.

And you?

Another question: is this feeling temporary (of course it is) and are we actually settling back into more body wisdom based understandings of time and our lives?

The Bullshit of Categories

There are a few different versions of this going around, but it doesn’t matter. They’re all misleading and have the potential to shame and you know how I feel about things that shame.

To think that a human can reside in ONE ZONE is ridiculous in the best of times.

To paraphrase Whitman, we contain multitudes.

At any one moment, part of me could be feeling fear around this pandemic while another part of me is busily diving back into a spiritual practice that is giving me hope and sustenance.

To think that we can move from one to the next and then to the next is just a JOKE.

It’s like that person that says to me, “Well, I’m pretty much done with the lower chakras and really working on my third eye and my crown.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That person is in for a crash or will live in spiritual bypassing, one of the least spiritual places of all, for a very long time.

My overall point being: if you see things like this, yes, they might be helpful in showing you some potential red flags or challenges or they might help you see where your’e doing a good job, but other than that, pass on by.

You are doing GREAT.

A Positive Practice for Difficult Times

I feel like, if we took this quote seriously, if we really dug into what this quote is asking of us… I know this will sound like hyperbole but it’s not… I believe this could heal the whole damn world.

We need a change in perspective, or when this virus crisis is over, we will simply fall back to the way things were. And the way things were was not working.

But we can’t make external, societal changes without changing how we work on the inside.

We need a change in perspective.

Changing the way we work on the inside is the only way we’ll have a clue as to how we can change the outside.

Otherwise we are lost.

For now, let’s focus on what we love about ourselves and let’s follow that trail of bread crumbs.

The main thing I love about myself is my ability to be totally and completely FASCINATED by and in awe of life and learning.

So for right now, I’m going to deep dive back into my tantra studies that I lost track of in all the world-level anxiety. I’m also going to deep dive even more into my movement work which is somehow the one thing that has been really GOOD right now… at a time when it feels difficult to do much of anything.

How about you?