#BeautyGazing: A Catalog

Every now and then I’ll share a post of a collection of things I’ve been sharing across a bunch of platforms for #BeautyGazing. These are meant to act as Micro Meditations through the senses. Take a moment and breathe and just be. I’ve described this idea over here.

Ballerina Anna Pavlova by Ira L. Hill Studio, 1914

First, if you’ve not done so, check out my TikTok. I know, it might seem redonk to some of you… TIKTOK!? But I find a lot of joy and peace over there and I’m curating my own page to be nothing but these micro meditations.

If you love tarot and fashion, oh, my, are you in luck! This mini film by Dior is breathtakingly beautiful.

This one is under two minutes: Colorized film of 1920's Paris. We can’t travel and this felt like a moment of bliss.

Did you see that a teen intern at NASA discovered a new planet!?!? And it looks like freaking CANDY!

If you’ve never seen skies filled like RIVERS with monarch butterflies… I could watch this over and over and over. It’s only a couple of minutes.

This shaman video on Facebook about our interconnectedness with nature… it says everything.

And some of my recent photos from my beauty seeking in this new and interesting home city…

February Yoga Philosophy Practice: Satya (Truthfulness)

(This is part of a year long series, in which I’ll be personally diving into each of the yamas and niyamas. One per month. There are 10 so that leaves me with 2 months to review. The main text I’m using is this. I’ll be checking in over the month with thoughts, explorations, practices. I would love for you to play along.)

I’m just starting the chapter on Satya. This is not easy stuff, is it? I’m only a few pages in and already… ouch. Challenging, to say the least.

We all like to think of ourselves as basically honest and then we read something like this:

“When we are real rather than nice, when we choose self expression over self indulgence, when we choose growth over the need to belong, and when we choose fluidity over rigidity, we begin to understand the deeper dynamics of truthfulness and we begin to taste the freedom and goodness of this jewel.” (Adele, p. 44)

You can begin to see, too, how this grows from and builds back into the first jewel of ahimsa, nonviolence.

You can begin to detect the way that we then convolute all of these things and become trapped by those twists and turns.

How, for example, do we not hurt someone’s feelings and remain truthful? Sometimes it seems those things are not possible together.

But is it hurting someone’s feelings to tell them something that is necessary to their own growth? Nope. Not as long as we watch how we are doing it and why.

I’ve definitely been choosing nice over real when it comes to a personal situation that has created boatloads of shame and stress for me. Someone has stolen a significant amount of money from me and I remain quiet about their treachery. Is this right of me? I’m certainly not helping anyone who might be taken in by their lies and deceptions in the future.

Am I valuing my own sense of pride and privacy over truthfulness? (I don’t have the answer to this one yet but I’m sharing here as a first step.)

I’ll leave you with a quote from the very next page of the text:

“What is driving you to distort yourself or silence yourself?…Or as Carl Jung would ask us, what is so dangerous in the moment about the truth that you are choosing to lie?”

Like I said, ouch.

#BeautyGazing and the surprise of tiktok as a spiritual practice

Yep. I said that. Tiktok as part of my spiritual practice? Have I lost my mind? Nope. Hear me out…

My niece kept telling me that I needed to be on tiktok and I was like, whatev. When I see what’s going on there with dance, it’s fun but it’s not something I felt the need to contribute to. So I started by just observing. For over a month now. I’ve just been watching and getting some much needed humor and inspiration and peace from it. Imagine that! From a social platform! We’ve all grown so accustomed to being agitated and made angry when we’re online.

Once I realized it was making me… dare I say, happy!?… I started paying even more attention.

Then quite suddenly I realized HOW I wanted to use it.

TikTok + #beautygazing = my little way of bringing some goodness to the world via another channel.

I was excited to get started. But something unexpected has happened:

This has totally refueled me. I needed this.

It gives me some focus. It pushes me to create in a new way. It makes me see the world differently. Now I’m just so excited to find the beauty and joy and to somehow create an artifact from it.

If you’re not over there, you don’t need an account to just look around. I’m sharing the micro video I made for Imbolc.

And here’s my profile.

@joybodystudio

My mixed path #beautygazing #joybody #tarot #starmantarot #bowie #imbolc #tantricyoga #devotion #oracle

♬ Sparkles - Raccoon With a Groovebox

Dance is an Act of Rebellion

Dancing has always been an area of control for the dominant culture. Patriarchy, for example, has always equated the female body dancing with prostitution, and dancers, to this day, are statistically the most in poverty of all professionals in all arts.

Dancing is freedom. Dancing is expression of truth. Truth cannot be hidden in a dancing body.

And dancing is joy. Joy is power. Joy fuels us. Joy reminds us of who we are and that we are worthy. That is too much for the patriarchy... they want us seated and still.

@notoriouscree

Crow hop styles ##dance ##native ##nativeamerican

♬ Crow Hop - Northern Wind

I do not teach movement...

It may seem that I teach movement. I do not. I teach compassion for self and others. I teach the building of healthy communities of care and support. I teach vulnerability married to self empowerment.

Elder dancer, Flo, who understood the prayer aspects of this work better than almost any other student I’ve ever had.

I do this in the context of movement because we need better ways of being together and growing together. AND we need ways that aren't about food or alcohol or even WORDS because all of that can so easily get in the way.

I do this in the context of movement, too, because most of us are desperately disconnected from the primal power and essential wisdom of these bodies.

If we weren't disconnected from our bodies we would not SETTLE for SO LITTLE in these lives.

We would not EVER settle for ANY kind of abusive "love."

We would never ever tolerate "leaders" who do not give a shit about us.

We would never ever feel LACK and so we'd create a culture of giving and taking care of.

If we weren't disconnected from these bodies, we would never drink the poison of toxic masculinity, white supremacy, and patriarchy.

All systems of oppression, whether internal or external, count on us remaining numb to our feelings, numb to our intuitions, numb to our wisdom, numb to our power, and especially numb to our connections to each other and to this world.

When we re/member ourselves through movement, we are practicing re/membering what we are actually here to do — to love one another so that each of us can be fully ourselves. That’s it.

The Magic of Ten Minutes

How many of my students and private clients have expressed the idea that if they’re not doing an hour of this or that or if they aren’t completely exhausted after moving or if they aren’t sweating buckets that they didn’t “try hard enough” or they aren’t “committed enough.”

Too many. And because an hour and exhaustion and that kind of sweat feels like a LOT when we think about it, we have already defeated our healthy impulses before we even begin. If we manage to begin, that is, with those kinds of heavy ass expectations.

I’ve talked a lot in the past about overcoming asshole brain’s desire to stay on the couch in front of the TV (or wherever you are stuck) by telling it “just five minutes” and then once you’re moving, it’s quite easy for those five minutes to turn into 20.

But those five minutes do not have to turn into 20.

Those five minutes count for something all on their own. By doing those five minutes, well, you’ve done the thing and you’re training your brain to get out of the way. You’re, again, doing rewiring work which takes longer than we want it to but that’s that.

Now I’m talking about ten minutes.

Craig got me roller skates for Christmas. I haven’t been on roller skates since my teens. At the time, I was good on them. Solid. Could even do a couple tricksie things.

And for some reason I expected them to be like getting on a bike again after years — pretty much easy peasy.

NOT!! I SUCK!!!! But that will not stop me.

I practice in our basement because it has that super low carpet that slows me down just enough but still allows me to glide.

Here’s the thing: I’m only doing 10 minutes at a time. There’s more going on with this than meets the eye.

I’m working some forgotten muscles, for sure, but my brain is exploring and learning a ton of new material here. It’s been long enough that I am totally back at beginner level, and this is where we get the best benefits in terms of brain health.

Ten minutes at a time. That’s about it. Sometimes closer to 15 but mostly just 10.

Why? Because if I tried too hard for loo long right at the beginning, I would get overly frustrated (and overly sore). I don’t want to be frustrated. I want to be learning from a place of joy.

THAT is the magic RIGH THERE.

When we were small, we didn’t do things for any other reason. If we didn’t like something, we tried something else. And when we liked something, we stuck with it because it was giving us this sense of joy. (This is our natural state. I’m not speaking to shitty parenting that forces…that’s another issue.)

Ten minutes. And let me tell you… even after just FIVE times on my skates, I was already significantly better. And not frustrated. I still look forward to skate days because I didn’t go at it like some downhill freight train. I’m flirting. I’m testing. I’m playing. I’m joyful.

The Yellow Room: A Joy Gem

We spend a ton of time talking about how the body holds trauma, and the brain is certainly wired that way. It was necessary for survival that we use precious memory space to remember where and who and what was dangerous, and there was so much, from the plants and animals to other people to weather patterns.

Now most of us live in relative safety. It might not always feel that way but historically speaking? Truth.

We live in relative safety but with these damn brains that are constantly, like, WHAT IS WRONG!?!?! What can I find that is SCARY!?

Here’s the thing though: our bodies also happen to hold our good and happy memories. Our joy. Our love. Our successes. Our celebrations.

Just think about what happens when you smell a scent that your loved one wore when you first met them.

Or what happens when you hear certain songs.

So body is just ready to be JOY.

But again…asshole brain gets in the way.

We can change this. We can work on this.

It’s all about wiring. And wiring is all about repetition and details and breath. Sounds a whole lot like our movement practices, doesn’t it?

In classes, I have often led people through a process I call “hold the happy.” We start in meditation and we focus on a happy moment. Could be from last week or when you were two. Whenever.

I ask them to get really clear on all the sensory details of the memory. We spend time with this. We breathe with this. There are more advanced things that we do with it after the fact, but this is the important part in this writing.

The sensory details are key and breathing deeply and gently is key and focusing and repeating is key.

Do all of that and you can develop what I’ll call a storehouse of “joy gems.”

Imagine all of that information in a tiny box. See the box. Decorate it. And then put it in a wee cupboard inside your heart.

When you’re feeling like shit or lost or lonely, you then have to remember to access one of these boxes, but the more we work with them — even doing things like making visual representations of them that we place where we see them often — the more we work with them, the more easily this will come to us.

Here’s one of my favorites that has held me and carried me through so very much in my life, and I call it the yellow room.

I was probably 3 or 4 at the oldest, and I was at my Great Aunt Ardelle’s house, a place that is no longer there but that I return to more often than I can say. I am often in her house at night as I fall asleep.

I was outside her kitchen as she was cooking. I had her all to myself.

I was sitting on a chair that my father now has. I was kicking my feet and I was SINGING.

Oh, was I SINGING! I was just singing whatever came into my head, and Delle was just LAUGHING and I could FEEL her smiling through the wall.

I stopped. She said, “Keep going!” and I went into the kitchen, singing and dancing.

And suddenly I was in a room full of yellow. The walls and floor were a yellow shade and the sun was just pouring in and it was like the air itself was filled with yellow glitter.

My chest felt full to bursting. Delle was laughing and I was singing and the world was perfection.

Expanding Our Internal Peace

I have BIG EMOTIONS. (If you know me, you’re laughing and wondering if I could say something more obvious.) I think I’ve been this way since I was very small. My mother tells the story that you could sit me in front of the TV when I was a toddler and I would just basically laugh my little ass off at anything that was remotely funny.

Because of that, for a long time, I resisted the word peace. The very concept shouted BORING to me. Who wants to be all quiet all the time!?

I think a lot of people equate the concept of peacefulness with a certain kind of weakness. I mean, duh, our culture LOVES war in all its forms. It’s our favorite set of metaphors to apply to every aspect of life.

But like the word love, I think we are confused about what peace actually is and how it’s related to feelings and emotions.

Peace is not the opposite of war, just as love is not the opposite of hate. Peace and love do not have opposites. They are the nature of the universe. They are the fabric of everything. War and hate are human manifestations of perceived lack and unresolved pain.

Peace and love (which I see as folded into and the same as “joy”) are our true nature, and they are truly the only states from which we can create justice and goodness and art and beauty.

They do not, though, eradicate the possibility of anger and sadness and grief and rage. Those things exist within the scope of human emotion and feeling.

Peace, love, joy… these are NOT emotions or feelings but rather actions and ways of being.

So we can be angry and then still create justice through the energy of peace. (This is a lot and I’m moving through it fast but just think to the basic teachings of Gandhi, MLK, Christ, Dorothy Day…and too many others to list.)

I now think of and experience peace as clarity of vision and knowing. I like the word “clearness” even better here than clarity. CLEAR. Like clean water and bright light.

I also think that to chase peace can be a frustrating and futile effort like chasing happiness.

I believe this is why meditation to find it often doesn’t work for people. Peace is more like a shy woodland creature for many of us because we’ve known it so little in our lives and it’s not sure it can trust us. (Stay with me, here.)

Our own inner peace is so often very deeply buried under intense pain and fear and just mistrust that we can ever live in this sort of state. We’ve been taught that good things should be difficult, that life is about working hard, that love can be fleeting so watch out, that other people are our competition and should be kept at a certain distance, and that we ourselves are never strong enough, good enough, or worthy enough.

Peace feels like a golden carrot at the end of an infinitely long stick and we’ll never ever do or be enough to finally grab it, and if we did, it would very likely turn out to be an illusion and turn to dust in our grasp.

So what do we do? How do we ever find any kind of expanded internal peace/love/joy if they are all that golden carrot but are resistant to “trying.”

We start by getting more honest about all the inner crap that is clogging our way to our true, basic nature.

We do work that clears that. We resolve. We heal. We spend more time in the body, allowing the body to express itself, breathing, settling, getting more and more comfortable with some inner stillness.

The body is the key here. The body can only live in the now. And when we get deeply enough into body, brain and mind chatter start to either shut down or slow down enough that we can identify the problems, the levels of utter ridiculousness with which we torture ourselves every day. We start to CLEAR our inner sight.

For me, this happens most in dance and vigorous movement. It’s like the more my body is being engaged, the more easily I can enter the eye of my inner storm and view it from that place of quiet.

Now, after about 12 years of serious practice at this, now and only now have I finally been able to cultivate a more traditional looking meditative sort of practice, one in which I am actually seated in stillness but this has only happened because I’ve gotten to the place where that inner forest of creatures is no longer scary to me. I feel strong enough in my physical body to enter into the other layers of this body — the emotional, mental, and spiritual.

And here finally, I am able to coax out that woodland creature and feed it a bit. We’re actually becoming friends.