What I'm Giving Up for Lent... and it's not what you think...

This photo… it’s full of stories that you can’t see when you first look but it’s layered so that when I look at it, I get flooded.

This was from right before I met Craig. This was when I was living in such a way that I woke up each day excited. I was living in such a way that I startled myself with the sound of my own laughter that came from so deep in my belly and that erupted from me so very easily.

This was from when I was doing All the Things. And I wasn’t doing All the Things out of some sense of “MUST” but rather out of “could” and “happily so.”

After so many years of serious depression, I had finally gotten back to what I call my “gooey center.”

Then a lot of shit happened that I don’t want to review.

I’m sharing this photo to say… here she is… Here is me.

Here is the me who spent time in spiritual practices every single day without the need to schedule them.

Here is the me who danced every single day BESIDES all the movement teaching she did almost daily.

Here is the me who went to the lake, who walked in the park, who spent time outside every day.

Here is the me who ate so healthily because she finally felt the difference and it stuck.

Here is the me who put herself first because only by doing that are we the best version of us for those around us.

Here is the me who felt like a fucking superstar just by living her own life.

So here’s what I’m giving up for lent this year:

I’m giving up NOT doing what I know makes me feel great.

I’m giving up HIDING.

I’m giving up this mousey, playing small that I seem to have fallen into.

I’m giving up too much damn quiet.

I’m giving up the lethargy and the apathy and the what-if-ism and the only-if-ism and the regret and the doubt and the self judgment.

Oh… and gluten. ((ha))

You?

#BeautyGazing: A Catalog

Every now and then I’ll share a post of a collection of things I’ve been sharing across a bunch of platforms for #BeautyGazing. These are meant to act as Micro Meditations through the senses. Take a moment and breathe and just be. I’ve described this idea over here.

Ballerina Anna Pavlova by Ira L. Hill Studio, 1914

First, if you’ve not done so, check out my TikTok. I know, it might seem redonk to some of you… TIKTOK!? But I find a lot of joy and peace over there and I’m curating my own page to be nothing but these micro meditations.

If you love tarot and fashion, oh, my, are you in luck! This mini film by Dior is breathtakingly beautiful.

This one is under two minutes: Colorized film of 1920's Paris. We can’t travel and this felt like a moment of bliss.

Did you see that a teen intern at NASA discovered a new planet!?!? And it looks like freaking CANDY!

If you’ve never seen skies filled like RIVERS with monarch butterflies… I could watch this over and over and over. It’s only a couple of minutes.

This shaman video on Facebook about our interconnectedness with nature… it says everything.

And some of my recent photos from my beauty seeking in this new and interesting home city…

February Yoga Philosophy Practice: Satya (Truthfulness)

(This is part of a year long series, in which I’ll be personally diving into each of the yamas and niyamas. One per month. There are 10 so that leaves me with 2 months to review. The main text I’m using is this. I’ll be checking in over the month with thoughts, explorations, practices. I would love for you to play along.)

I’m just starting the chapter on Satya. This is not easy stuff, is it? I’m only a few pages in and already… ouch. Challenging, to say the least.

We all like to think of ourselves as basically honest and then we read something like this:

“When we are real rather than nice, when we choose self expression over self indulgence, when we choose growth over the need to belong, and when we choose fluidity over rigidity, we begin to understand the deeper dynamics of truthfulness and we begin to taste the freedom and goodness of this jewel.” (Adele, p. 44)

You can begin to see, too, how this grows from and builds back into the first jewel of ahimsa, nonviolence.

You can begin to detect the way that we then convolute all of these things and become trapped by those twists and turns.

How, for example, do we not hurt someone’s feelings and remain truthful? Sometimes it seems those things are not possible together.

But is it hurting someone’s feelings to tell them something that is necessary to their own growth? Nope. Not as long as we watch how we are doing it and why.

I’ve definitely been choosing nice over real when it comes to a personal situation that has created boatloads of shame and stress for me. Someone has stolen a significant amount of money from me and I remain quiet about their treachery. Is this right of me? I’m certainly not helping anyone who might be taken in by their lies and deceptions in the future.

Am I valuing my own sense of pride and privacy over truthfulness? (I don’t have the answer to this one yet but I’m sharing here as a first step.)

I’ll leave you with a quote from the very next page of the text:

“What is driving you to distort yourself or silence yourself?…Or as Carl Jung would ask us, what is so dangerous in the moment about the truth that you are choosing to lie?”

Like I said, ouch.

#BeautyGazing and the surprise of tiktok as a spiritual practice

Yep. I said that. Tiktok as part of my spiritual practice? Have I lost my mind? Nope. Hear me out…

My niece kept telling me that I needed to be on tiktok and I was like, whatev. When I see what’s going on there with dance, it’s fun but it’s not something I felt the need to contribute to. So I started by just observing. For over a month now. I’ve just been watching and getting some much needed humor and inspiration and peace from it. Imagine that! From a social platform! We’ve all grown so accustomed to being agitated and made angry when we’re online.

Once I realized it was making me… dare I say, happy!?… I started paying even more attention.

Then quite suddenly I realized HOW I wanted to use it.

TikTok + #beautygazing = my little way of bringing some goodness to the world via another channel.

I was excited to get started. But something unexpected has happened:

This has totally refueled me. I needed this.

It gives me some focus. It pushes me to create in a new way. It makes me see the world differently. Now I’m just so excited to find the beauty and joy and to somehow create an artifact from it.

If you’re not over there, you don’t need an account to just look around. I’m sharing the micro video I made for Imbolc.

And here’s my profile.

@joybodystudio

My mixed path #beautygazing #joybody #tarot #starmantarot #bowie #imbolc #tantricyoga #devotion #oracle

♬ Sparkles - Raccoon With a Groovebox

Beauty Gazing: Meditation through the Senses

This is no trivial thing. Imagine spending hour after hour, day after day, seeking out, finding, and contemplating the beauty of this world. Imagine how this could change your mind and heart.

This simple act of noticing and then spending some breaths with that noticing is a life’s practice.

You can start the minute you awaken. Take a moment to really see your surroundings. As you shower and get ready for your day, notice the beauty of your own body.

As you move through your day, re-notice things that you’ve started to take for granted. Very likely everything around you carries meaning beyond utility.

That favorite pen? Isn’t it beautiful how easily the ink glides onto the paper?

That wall color. That particular pillow on your favorite chair. The tree outside your window. The specific color of the sky. The smell of your coffee. The feel of your feet on ground or in your cozy socks. The sound of the quiet or the resonance of the music you have playing.

Notice, too, when you intentionally deny yourself some sort of beauty or beautiful experience.

Notice when you intentionally shut out beauty. When you close your senses. When you don’t pause.

Notice without judging and see how quickly you can course correct.

Perhaps add some focused beauty gazing dates to your week. Go places specifically to seek these sorts of experience out. Take notes. Take photos. Sketch.

And then SHARE it with others. Remember that relationship is the foundation upon which we evolve and heal as humans. Invite others into your beauty gazing experiences and notice how much more solid those experiences feel. When we share, we create history together and memories and we change our brains on yet another level.

Dance is an Act of Rebellion

Dancing has always been an area of control for the dominant culture. Patriarchy, for example, has always equated the female body dancing with prostitution, and dancers, to this day, are statistically the most in poverty of all professionals in all arts.

Dancing is freedom. Dancing is expression of truth. Truth cannot be hidden in a dancing body.

And dancing is joy. Joy is power. Joy fuels us. Joy reminds us of who we are and that we are worthy. That is too much for the patriarchy... they want us seated and still.

@notoriouscree

Crow hop styles ##dance ##native ##nativeamerican

♬ Crow Hop - Northern Wind

I do not teach movement...

It may seem that I teach movement. I do not. I teach compassion for self and others. I teach the building of healthy communities of care and support. I teach vulnerability married to self empowerment.

Elder dancer, Flo, who understood the prayer aspects of this work better than almost any other student I’ve ever had.

I do this in the context of movement because we need better ways of being together and growing together. AND we need ways that aren't about food or alcohol or even WORDS because all of that can so easily get in the way.

I do this in the context of movement, too, because most of us are desperately disconnected from the primal power and essential wisdom of these bodies.

If we weren't disconnected from our bodies we would not SETTLE for SO LITTLE in these lives.

We would not EVER settle for ANY kind of abusive "love."

We would never ever tolerate "leaders" who do not give a shit about us.

We would never ever feel LACK and so we'd create a culture of giving and taking care of.

If we weren't disconnected from these bodies, we would never drink the poison of toxic masculinity, white supremacy, and patriarchy.

All systems of oppression, whether internal or external, count on us remaining numb to our feelings, numb to our intuitions, numb to our wisdom, numb to our power, and especially numb to our connections to each other and to this world.

When we re/member ourselves through movement, we are practicing re/membering what we are actually here to do — to love one another so that each of us can be fully ourselves. That’s it.

The Yellow Room: A Joy Gem

We spend a ton of time talking about how the body holds trauma, and the brain is certainly wired that way. It was necessary for survival that we use precious memory space to remember where and who and what was dangerous, and there was so much, from the plants and animals to other people to weather patterns.

Now most of us live in relative safety. It might not always feel that way but historically speaking? Truth.

We live in relative safety but with these damn brains that are constantly, like, WHAT IS WRONG!?!?! What can I find that is SCARY!?

Here’s the thing though: our bodies also happen to hold our good and happy memories. Our joy. Our love. Our successes. Our celebrations.

Just think about what happens when you smell a scent that your loved one wore when you first met them.

Or what happens when you hear certain songs.

So body is just ready to be JOY.

But again…asshole brain gets in the way.

We can change this. We can work on this.

It’s all about wiring. And wiring is all about repetition and details and breath. Sounds a whole lot like our movement practices, doesn’t it?

In classes, I have often led people through a process I call “hold the happy.” We start in meditation and we focus on a happy moment. Could be from last week or when you were two. Whenever.

I ask them to get really clear on all the sensory details of the memory. We spend time with this. We breathe with this. There are more advanced things that we do with it after the fact, but this is the important part in this writing.

The sensory details are key and breathing deeply and gently is key and focusing and repeating is key.

Do all of that and you can develop what I’ll call a storehouse of “joy gems.”

Imagine all of that information in a tiny box. See the box. Decorate it. And then put it in a wee cupboard inside your heart.

When you’re feeling like shit or lost or lonely, you then have to remember to access one of these boxes, but the more we work with them — even doing things like making visual representations of them that we place where we see them often — the more we work with them, the more easily this will come to us.

Here’s one of my favorites that has held me and carried me through so very much in my life, and I call it the yellow room.

I was probably 3 or 4 at the oldest, and I was at my Great Aunt Ardelle’s house, a place that is no longer there but that I return to more often than I can say. I am often in her house at night as I fall asleep.

I was outside her kitchen as she was cooking. I had her all to myself.

I was sitting on a chair that my father now has. I was kicking my feet and I was SINGING.

Oh, was I SINGING! I was just singing whatever came into my head, and Delle was just LAUGHING and I could FEEL her smiling through the wall.

I stopped. She said, “Keep going!” and I went into the kitchen, singing and dancing.

And suddenly I was in a room full of yellow. The walls and floor were a yellow shade and the sun was just pouring in and it was like the air itself was filled with yellow glitter.

My chest felt full to bursting. Delle was laughing and I was singing and the world was perfection.