Joy and Grief Live Side by Side in Memory

We had a beautiful wedding to attend this past Saturday in Erie, and I also made sure that our schedule allowed for a couple of hours at the beach, rather than the five minutes that that important part of myself usually gets allotted.

Craig went running with his brother, and so I had about 45 minutes of that time just for me, my iced latte, chocolate croissant, and a bit of journaling and reading.

I started to read a Virginia Woolf I’ve somehow not read (Between the Acts), and the morning was perfection. There’s something about me and Woolf and water. When I first moved to Chicago for grad school at the age of 23, I sat on the edge of that lake and read Mrs. Dalloway and that memory will forever beckon me.

That memory will forever beckon me… That sentence is filled with nostalgia and sentimentality and joy and grief, isn’t it?

When we left Erie, I, as usual, felt a mixture of sadness and anger. I love that lake and am linked to it forever. And yet that town, that small city, does not seem to be able to recover itself from its identity of “GE town,” and I fear that that inability to move on will be its death. Every time we go home, it seems a little more critical in terms of its health.

Remember I lived in the actual CITY — not out in some suburb — for well over 20 years. I lived in a realm of hope that turned into delusion that turned into bitterness, until I realized that I was becoming some sort of toxic version of myself and needed to move on… needed to MOVE, period. I could no longer tolerate the constant talk of “any day now” for which there was never any real evidence. (Entrenched politicians are greatly to blame for what’s happening in Erie but that’s another blog post and not my point here.)

I was born on the edge of the bay in the old Hamot Hospital.

We soon moved away and then moved back. My entire childhood would be a series of moving away and returning, over and over, as my father pursued higher and higher education.

Every time we moved away, we knew it was temporary. We would lament not being in Erie. We would look forward to the year or month or day that we got to move back.

In every school I went to in all the different places we lived, I would be that little girl, red in the face, defending her beloved home against the taunts of “dreary Erie, the mistake on the lake.”

The ache for a return to Erie was born and bred into me.

I myself have tried to move away a few times, and each time, like some migrating bird, I end up back there, unable to resist the pull… the very magnetism of that lake, my true north.

But this time is different.

We are in Columbus, and though I love it here and I love our house, this too might not be permanent. I don’t think I can live the rest of my life without big water, but I will not return to Erie.

We will find a place to put roots that has big water but that does not break my heart with its stilted ways and cliquey groups of humans that seem to be stuck in high school concepts of relationship. (I think that’s an inevitable sort of outcome in a very small city where people can’t let go of the ideas that they have of others from when they were teenagers.)

Where we are right now is growing, and that matters… An environment of growth and change that is future oriented allows for humans to grow and change and evolve into new and exciting versions of themselves.

But with all of the good of this place, it is not the place to which I am tethered. The sense of tugging can be very subtle most days and other days it’s quite painful. Visiting Erie brings all of this up for me every single time, and for many days after, the pain of the loss returns full force.

Home is where the heart is and yet sometimes home is where there is too much pain so we must do our best and find new, fertile ground (and water) that allows our hearts to heal and expand.

JoyMoves: the importance of weight training after injury

It seems antithetical, right? You’re recovering from an injury and then you should put weight on that injury!?

At a certain point, yes.

You know I suffered from two consecutive frozen shoulders over a year and a half. I ended up needing steroid shots in each a few months apart. I needed those shots so I could even do the physical therapy I was creating for myself.

Those shots let me gain range of motion back. I needed time when that was all I was focused on, but I got to a point where I felt stuck in my recovery. Nothing new was happening. Nothing was changing.

Then I got the helpful book below, and I only needed to read a few pages to understand that I was missing weight lifting… strength building

I’ve always talked about (if you’ve been around me enough) that mobility is flexibility plus strength (control).

When I was younger, I was super flexible and my joints were lax. I had no real idea of strength (control), so I was constantly suffering from free floating pain and minor injuries. I was young, so it would all heal really fast and I would continue with my circus freak tricks.

When I tell you that the very day I started doing (super light) weight training targeted at my shoulders that I felt an instant difference, I am not exaggerating. I’ve been doing it ever since and slowly building the amount of weight and the variety of movements.

My right shoulder is at 100% and I’d say my left is around 95% or higher. My idea of mobility in my shoulders is a bit extreme… again, I have lax joints… but now those joints are supported. I can still do things most people can’t do but I can feel the muscle activity more clearly. I also have an ever deepening ability to feel the precise moments when I am about to go too far. (That ability has been growing since I started to dance again at 40 but now it’s finding new levels.)

If you want to explore this but have some fears/concerns about it, remember that you can always ask me.

JoyList: Stuff floating my boat

Are you heading to any music or festivals this summer? We started off this past weekend with our neighborhood ComFest (community arts and music festival). It’s been going on in our park for 51 years.

Obviously, the stilt walker was at our festival. She was one of two. I can’t imagine. Even this bit of height would turn my stomach, but they were so happy and smiley.

Other things floating my boat…

Did you hear about this wacky and amazing science-y discovery that is blowing all the scientists brains this week? The papers were released on the 28th and wow! If you like time and space stuff, check it out.

OH! I have a new video of a super simple and highly effective psoas release that also works, of course, on your diaphragm and your nervous system. Go here and look under “shorts.” It’ll be the first one with me looking way up at the camera. And if you get something out of it, make sure to like, comment, and/or subscribe. (Thank you!)

Speaking of YouTube:

Something new from one of my favorite dance companies.

My favorite creator who talks about her different brain and burnout and how she’s healing that.

Have you ever watched any of the videos by this Chinese creator? She lives in the mountains on her grandparents’ farm and does every freaking thing by hand and traditional methods. Watching her cook or build something is so freaking soothing to me. She also practices traditional arts like calligraphy… just whoa.

For my Butoh loving peeps, here’s a short video of Kauo Ohno (one of the founders) talking about technique and motivation.

For my book lovers, here are a few of my recent faves, but you can always just look at my goodreads.

For specific books:

I’m about 2/3s of the way through Lisa See’s most current book. ANYTHING SHE WRITES is worth your time.

I loved Louise Erdrich’s most recent. She just never misses the mark.

And someone told me to read this Rebecca Solnit quite a while ago. I love her work and am loving this too.

What’s floating YOUR boat?

Body Based Therapies and Important Works by Women in the Field

I do get frustrated. I know that Bessel van der Kolk is the dude of the moment, as is Gabor Mate, and I appreciate their work in my own life. Finding them via academic research before they were in the popular limelight was part of what saved me.

I’ve studied with van der Kolk in an intensive that was, well, intense. For a lot of reasons. He is brilliant, but like anyone, he has his limits, and like anyone, his work rides on the work of others not seen.

A particularly frustrating moment reminded me that we’re all humans with blind spots. At one point he and his assistant laughed at me (yes, laughed) when I suggested that perhaps in a class where manual, hands on body manipulation is used, when working with sexual assault victims, maybe — just maybe ((sarcasm)) — they should be asked if they would be more comfortable with a teacher who was a woman or at the very least, a teacher who is not going to touch them. (I do NOT believe in exposure therapy, and van der Kolk has been very vocal in his hatred of it for veterans — but not apparently for women who have been raped, assaulted, or abused by men.)

I would like more women to be aware of this attitude and perhaps start to look for other voices.

Here’s a short list of books that are important in this field, some of which predate the popularity of van der Kolk and his contemporaries.

(A note: I also had the privilege of meeting and listening to Peter Levine. He is a gentle and loving spirit and I am glad that more and more people are getting to know his work. He seems to walk his talk in a more compassionate way, not depending so much on aspects of toxic masculinity to get his point across.)

First and foremost, THIS BOOK by Judith Herman was originally published in 1992. She was on the edge of this work, saying things out loud that others hadn’t dared to yet. She doesn’t get enough credit. Her work is important.

The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller was published in 1979, and Alice Miller was ostracized for putting in writing much of what we now take as common wisdom.

The Body Remembers by Babette Rothschild was published in 2000 and there’s a second volume in 2017. This work gets more into the somatic aspect of trauma and trauma treatment.

Bone, Breath, and Gesture is from 1995 and is a compilation of various writings from the field of somatics over time. The one I am linking to is volume one. This book demonstrates how so much of the original thinking in somatics based therapies was, of course, developed by women. (See my surprise face)

Women and Madness by Phyllis Chesler was first published in 1972. It’s frustrating when we lose sight of the history of these thoughts and the originators are left behind. This book revolutionized how we looked at and talked about mainstream medicine. This started our understanding of how SHIT mainstream medicine is when it comes to the care of women. (And we’re STILL fighting this damn fight…)

This book, first published while I was in college in 1988, isn’t about medicine or somatics but it kinda is?… Writing a Woman’s Life by Carolyn G. Heilbrun is a book I go back to again and again. It’s IMPORTANT. It’s short and it’s powerful. It’s about the effects of cultural expectations on every aspect of a woman’s intentional expression and creativity.

Like I said, this is a short list so as not to be overwhelming. Do you have any you would add?

Buddhism 101: A Reading List by Request (Copy)

Wat Rong Seur Ten in Chiang Rai Thailand by Alex Azabache

I shared a reading list to help you get a bit deeper into your yoga right here. And now a morning nutbag and some others have requested a reading list for those new/ish to Buddhism.

So here we go (and I will be linking to Amazon not to encourage you to buy from there but simply because it is easy. I actually encourage you to use your library or a local bookstore, both of which I am lucky enough to have access to but never assume the same about anyone else… sometimes Amazon is actually necessary for more rural areas):

Anything Lama Surya Das is highly recommended, especially Awakening the Buddha Within, but here’s his whole Amazon page.

And anything by Uma Thurman’s dad (yep), Robert Thurman should be on your list too. Infinite Bliss was a fave or mine but again here’s his whole Amazon page.

Currently I’m rereading The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying and it has helped me so much with my grief.

This book is about Tantra in both yoga and Buddhism by one of the most respected yoga scholars ever (who has passed away but his wife has taken over his teachings and she is wonderful).

Here’s one of my favorites by Thich Nhat Hanh that is a bit deeper in the teachings than some of his more popular stuff.

This book of “prayers” to the Bodhisattva is so beautiful. It is a practice in and of itself just to randomly select something every day.

Tara Brach writes some stuff that veers into psychology meets Buddhism, which some days works for me and some days doesn’t but she’s well respected and one of the rare women’s voices out there that has a large platform.

Most of what I’ve shared here comes from Tibetan buddhism lineages. There’s a whole other world out there if you want to explore Zen Buddhism, which would include things like the philosophy of tea ceremony and haiku, which I also have on my shelf, but I think the basics are well covered with all I’ve shared above.

I would love to hear from you as you explore!