You have to move to feel

This is not a metaphor.

Think about it this way first:

Lay a hand on a cat and it's soft, but keep it lying there and you stop feeling the soft. Or at least, not with the same intensity as when you pet the cat.

Same with water... Get into the Lake (if you’re in Erie or near any lake) and walk through the water, feeling the softness of the water. Stand still. Less input, less sensation.

Go another step and realize that you only really feel wet relative to dry. Or relative to your wet swim suit as you try to peel it off.

(Before we go any further, as always, there are different levels of and ways of moving, but there is always movement of one kind or another, even just the breath and how it moves the chest and back. Or the movement of the eyes. Or the the tongue as it tastes.)

Stand still. Less input, less sensation.

We know that to be still in the body during and/or right after a traumatic event is to get stuck in that moment. (Here for more on that.) The feelings of that moment are then not moved through… or we do not move through them.

This is not a one time thing, of course, and that’s why somatic movement — movement married to intention and awareness and breath — is needed every day in one way or another, because every day brings us more to move through.

This is even obvious in our language. We say we are “stuck,” meaning we can’t seem to “get over” something or move forward in our lives.

Move. More input, more sensation.

Go back to the cat and the water. We experience the world through external sensation entering our nervous systems via our senses.

Same for our emotional lives.

For example, we think we are “intuiting” something about someone else or a situation, but it’s just our senses capturing information so quickly that we don’t notice.

This is also related to your “gut feelings.” That’s your vagus nerve relaying information to you that you might not have noticed consciously.

Move to feel to move.

We take in the world, our lives, the traumas, and then what? We can lock them up and let them gather dust and mold or we can move to feel them fully so that we might move more.

And here is the beauty of somatic dance: we can do all of this with joy in community. (You can check out the basic parts of a Peony Somatic Dance class here.) And over time, we can build our capacity to go through the cycles quicker. This is not so we can develop a method of bypassing. Not at all.

This is a spiritual practice of the most real variety: we honestly look at ourselves and our experiences and we digest them and use that digested material to build the life we really want — rather than the life that just happens to us.

The problem of dissociation when "listening to the body"

When the body doesn’t feel safe

The ground of Peony Somatic Dance is breathe and wait. We focus on the breath first to drop into the now and center, and then we patiently listen for or pay attention to the messages of the body. Following that, honest expression can emerge.

But what if when we breathe and attempt to pay attention to the body, we simply can’t?

What if we have a history of dissociation and that is still triggered?

What if it just feels scary to enter the body in this way?

All of these things can drive us away from something like a somatic dance practice. It can keep us from simple exercise. It can prevent us from truly enjoying the sensual aspects of life, because the body does not feel like a safe space.

How do we develop the body as safe space without creating more shutdown and numbness?

How to deal with dissociatioN during movement

There are a bunch of ways to deal with this issue that are more gentle. Over time you can progress through them, but remember, it’s not a ladder. It’s a spiral.

It’s not a simple ladder because if we’ve had a lifetime of dissociative disorder, I don’t think it’s ever just gone. Extreme stress or vile political administrations can certainly bring it back. It’s so deeply embedded in our neurobiology and our body/mind revert to the oldest coping mechanisms because they’re the most “practiced.”

So these new somatic practices are never one and done.

All of this is also why it’s important to work with someone with deep experience. I can tell when a student is distressed even if they aren’t obviously freaking out, for example, and I have a tool box the size of a castle that I can pull from until we find the thing that helps or soothes, whatever is needed.

Peony Somatic Dance methods of the gentle variety

This is just s small example of the tools I would pull from, but it might give you an idea of where to start. (You could also take a class with me, of course, online if you’re not local to Columbus, OH, or you can contact me about possible one on one work if you don’t feel like you’re ready for a class.)

So here are some possible ways of approaching a body that is not feeling safe:

Put all of your attention on your environment. Externalize your awareness. You could put on some music and start to identify items in your space. If you’re alone, you could do this out loud. “Chair, photo, clock” etc. You could add lots of detail if that felt good. As you’re doing this, allow movement to happen but keep your attention outside of the body and the movement.

Touch and name your bodyparts as you move. This is exactly what it sounds like. Moving your right hand? Touch it with your left and say to yourself, this is my right hand.

Attention to body boundaries. Just notice where your body begins and the space outside of you starts. This could be as simple as focusing your movement in your feet and feeling the floor. Or you could get on the floor and move around gently, feeling the feedback from the floor into your body parts. There are a lot of other ways to get this same feedback but moving on…

Place your attention on another body. This is best done led in a class or you can do it with a loved one at home. You can try mirror movement: each of you taking a turn to lead. Keep things really simple. Another option is to start with super simple contact improv like you see in the photo above or as seen here.

Again, there are so many ways to deal with dissociation even when it can feel a bit scary. (And again, experienced guides are so very necessary.)

Let me know if you have any questions or insights!

An unexpected difficulty of aging

It’s hard to pull all of this apart and see what’s actually what in the context of the last 9 years we’ve had. Regardless, we are living through/in these times and we’re aging . And I know to age is to live, so please don’t come at me with the basics. It’s like telling an anxious person to “calm down” or a depressed person “to do something fun.”

It’s one thing to be looking in the mirror and noticing a drooping eye lid, a softening neck, lines here and there. But lately what’s really getting to me is a deep sense of failure and a lack of time to really do anything about it.

I’ve spent too much of my life (and I know many who can relate to this) fighting depression and anxiety and trauma. So much of my energy has been stolen by trying to survive those things. And if you think of money in terms of not just the dollars spent on therapy and interventions but money not made because of illness, well, it’s also cost me a small fortune and therefore a sense of stability as I age.

I’m feeling a lot of rage over that lately. But there’s more.

I’m feeling so much rage and grief over missed opportunities. Avenues not taken because I was just trying to live. Talents not fully explored. Potential not fully known.

Dance not danced. Books not written. And so much more. All because I had so many years during which I could barely function much less thrive.

I’m angry, indeed. I did not choose this brain nor early experiences that exacerbated the tendencies of this brain. And many things did not just happen but were done. (More anger.)

And now at the age of 56, I am still fighting this fight that should not be any of ours. I am not as stuck and struck down as I was during most of my 30s, but I am not in the healthy place I was in my middle to late 40s.

During that breathing space of years, all the work I had done was finally paying off.

Then we entered the years of hate and vile government and sickness and cruelty exposed in people around us and my brain, prone to deep grief and sadness from early on, did not have the tools some have. The old coping mechanisms — the unhealthy coping mechanisms of staying still and drowning in despair over things I cannot change — all reemerged with a vigor I never thought I would see or experience again in myself.

The devastation of that alone… the thought that I had healed or gotten to a place of high level management of my chronic illnesses and then to backslide as the world got (and continues to get) uglier and uglier.

I am enraged and I am sad and I am at a loss for words to explain this feeling of utterly being let down by the world and by myself.

I have no answers, so if you’re reading this thinking you recognize what I’m writing about and wondering what conclusions I’ve come to, I apologize. I have nothing. Not yet.

Though I will keep fucking trying… as annoying as I find that sometimes about myself… I will not give up, and I will not stay silent about this, sitting in some sort of shame that makes me feel I am alone when I know full well I am not alone and maybe, just maybe, in community, we can figure this shit out.

An invitation to a 40 day sadhana

You know I'm no longer a "practicing Catholic," nor am I really any kind of practicing anything at this point. But Lent has always spoken to me DEEPLY.

And through some conversations with a dear friend from Chicago, we came to agree that going into Lent consciously and with open hearts was something we both needed.

And I thought maybe others would need it to.

I see Lent as a period of entering the dark spaces in our own minds and hearts. Not to immediately get rid of that darkness but to be with it... to ask it questions... to learn from it... to simply sit with it and allow those spaces of fear and sadness and rage and grief to simply have safe space to BE.

So I will have my Fat Tuesday donut later today and then I will enter into this journey.

I am open to being surprised. I am open to the idea of feeling some sort of faith again.

I will be reading the two books (see photo) during my morning tarot and intention/contemplation time.

And I will do periodic check-ins in the Circle of Trees to see how everyone is. (If you’re not in the Trees, just go to that link and ask to be added.)

And perhaps you would like to share an intention for this 40 day sadhana via email or in the Trees.

Introducing quickie yoga for your neurospicy brain

Or rather, introducing a reframing of quickie yoga in a way that tells its story better. We’ve been doing this work all along but now I’ll be bringing it to the forefront. Go here to register for March.

As always, these classes can be done live or with the videos on your own. And this 30 minute quickie, focused format works, I think, really well on video.

As we focus on what I’m calling “STIM YOGA for your neurospicy brain”, we’ll be bringing in a lot of the usual suspects and then some: multiple lineages of yoga, basics from primal movement, basics from systems like tai chi, somatic movement, breath work to match it all, and anything else I happen to be learning and is floating my (brain) boat. ((ha))

This is for those of us who struggle with focus, inner balance, peace, and nervous systems that tend toward anxious. You know where to find me if you have any questions.

It's not just for you

Preface: I’m really struggling with depression and despair, as I’m sure a lot are. I’m triggered by the cruelty of the current government every day. And I’m stuck in some really toxic mindsets that are not good for me or the people around me. I know what I need to do but my motivation muscle is just… flaccid. And yesterday I think I found how to restrengthen it…

Yesterday a treester and I were having a bit of a chat via messenger, and she said she went for a short walk and I told her that she should be proud of herself for that. Then she said something that she doesn't know actually changed my brain a bit... She said she did it after reading my post about my depression because she believes in the ripple effects of our actions.

Um... CLICK went the puzzle piece.

When I started to dance again at 40, it was FOR/in HONOR OF a friend who had passed away too young and without fully embracing his artist's life. Every time I felt whiny about dancing -- which inevitably made me feel so much more joyful -- I would think of him.

And THERE IS THE COMMUNITY SECRET.

We are all connected. Humans are mirroring animals. We are made FOR EACH OTHER. And so any actions we take that are totally based in "FOR ME"... well, for most of us who are loving and compassionate humans ... that's not going to necessarily work long term.

I remembered I do my best work in this world when I am doing it for/with others. Period.

So now I have a note on my phone that goes off at 8:30 AM every day that says: FOR .... and lists a bunch of names.

To remind me that my life is not just about me.

To remind me that my actions have ripple effects.

To remind me that my calling is higher than myself.

I don't expect things to instantly and totally change over night but I can FEEL IN MY BONES that this was that motivation I was looking for.

REMINDER: If you are in need of more community that is healthy, safe, and supportive and also, well, free, you can request to join the Circle of Trees on Facebook.

(BELOW: a video from my long weekend workshop. I thought this wave experiment was perfect for a post about doing for and with others.)

Creating softness to do the challenging things

If you’ve been in class with me, you know we end with a “show me.” I observe as you allow your body to express what needs to be expressed. The whole class leads to this moment of deep honesty, and it can be revealing in unexpected ways. Truths can be felt and seen by both the movers and the observer.

Sometimes it’s just a bit of relief in beginning to access some larger truths that will take longer to allow. But sometimes these moments are full of big ideas and revelations that lead all of us to say AH-HA!

These moments can be profoundly impactful. They can be those sorts of “turn on a dime” life changing, mind changing eurekas.

This week during one of my online Peony classes, something of that big sort was revealed.

I was watching Linda Soto move. She started with soft, water like movement that felt soothing even just to observe. The energy was safe and felt healing.

This went on for a few minutes until suddenly she broke into childlike playful movement that was full of joy and strength.

AH-HA! Right?

It struck me how much we want to go right for that latter sort of movement — whether on the dance floor or in our lives — without first taking care of ourselves.

It struck me how childlike wonder, awe, curiosity, playfulness, and joy really need safety in order to emerge. That childlike part of you needs to know it’s okay to come out, that there will be no judgment, that there will be no harshness of any kind.

But often, even when we’re doing these somatic dance practices that are meant to bring us to our own original totality, we go at them so hard. We try so hard. We work so hard.

If we’re not trying and working hard, we might even feel like we’re “lazy” or “not deserving.” Old stories overcome our original loving intentions.

The reality is that we deserve to be safe. We deserve to feel safe. We deserve communities that are safe for this work.

The child in us who might not have gotten enough of that safety deserves it from us now.

So let’s practice — in all things — first creating softness and offering a soothing environment — and then like I always say, breathing and waiting and allowing.

What part of you life can you imagine playing with this idea in? Where will you take it first?

How some Jesuits are helping me deal with the mean and the stupid

Though I still do not believe in any sort of active deity beyond the fact that the universe itself is a creative/destructive engine, oddly, it’s Jesuits who are bringing me the most comfort — or more accurately, keeping me sane in light of the stupidity and meanness that now predominate our government.

Jesuits have long been known as the academics of the Catholic Church, from theology, of course, but also into the hard sciences.

And in light of the ignorance of much of our population right now, a marriage of (true) Christian philosophy and actual science seems like the medicine we need.

Jesuits were some of the earliest astronomers, for one example. I won’t venture any further into this because my knowledge is limited but here’s an article about why Jesuit spirituality gives rise to scientists. (And actually I could come up with more reasons off the top of my head as I sit here but that’s not the point of what I’m writing and well, let’s limit the SQUIRRELS!!, shall we?)

Today I’m thinking about a famous Jesuit geologist you might know, Pierre Teilhard de Chardin. How much more “hard science” can you get than rocks and all the actual stuff of this planet? It would seem this would take you far from the higher level air of Catholic mysticism but that’s exactly where rocks took Teilhard.

This morning, as part of my morning, routine, I started to again read this book written by a Franciscan (another of my favorite groups of thinkers who are also profoundly connected to the material world, to the joy and suffering of the human body). And I came upon this about Teilhard:

“(He) described the human species in evolution toward the fullness of unity in love... In his view, neither escapism nor existential despair can further the evolutionary process. Rather, the way forward is a new spirituality by which humans around the globe can unite to become one mind and one heart in love...”

— Compassion, Ilia Delio, OSF

Doesn’t that just pretty much sum it up?

To evolve, humans must evolve toward love. Away from the idea of us and them. Away from the idea of rich and poor. Away from have and have not, which implies a deserve and deserve not, which the philosophy of Christ finds repugnant.

To evolve, we must love more. And love is not just tolerance. Tolerance is just another word for “love the sinner and hate the sin.” Love is bigger than that.

When Christ said to love your enemy, he was not just saying to tolerate people different than you. He was literally saying to love them. But I also believe he was saying something more esoteric — that we should love the enemy within, which is jealousy and hate and judgment. Face and love those parts of ourselves so directly that we no longer have any left to point toward others.

That's love (r)evolution right there.

if you need more from Jesuits, I highly recommend following Fr. James Martin on Facebook. Here. He just posted a loving message to the trans community and their families.

And here’s a great post/short video quoting what many popes have said about immigrants and how very wrong the GOP has this (as they have most things morally wrong).

So yeah… this is a sampling of some things that are bringing me peace of mind. When we’re surrounded by such vitriol and such vile deformation of these teachings it can be easy to just let it all go… let them have it. But no, I won’t.

There are a lot of reasons that I think the core of these teachings are valuable and unique in the world of spirituality and religion and this isn’t the space to go into that. But for a while, I was more than happy to say GOOD BYE to the entire body if that meant I severed my connection to the gangrene limb of what I call evangelical catholicism.

But here I am, in these dark days, returning to some of my roots. To use yet another metaphor: just because part of the bush is dead doesn’t mean it’s all dead and it certainly doesn’t mean the roots are.